[ Previous Year ] [ Go to index page ] [ Next Year ]
Not much happened today. I really can't think of any important things that happened today. I'm still happy, well, at least not say, so at least I'm not down or anything. There's a little confusion about school. I haven't been officially accepted at SWW, but I'm not getting anything from FHS. I haven't gotten my homeroom assignments or the bus schedule. So if I don't go to SWW on the first day, then I'll be list at FHS. We'll be figuring everything out on Tuesday. That's about all, so goodbye 'til tomorrow.
Today had a few ups and downs. I felt fine this morning, then in the afternoon my mom wanted me to clean up my room again. That brought me down a little, but then we got me an alarm clock, and then tonight I bought some things: a casette case, Double Fantasy, and the Imagine sheet music. I hope I'll be able to play it soon. So I'm feeling alright now. I don't know of anything else to say so I'll write back tomorrow.
I just finished listening to the Who concert on WCMF. Now I'm listening to Homegrown. They have some good music. Today we're going to Niagra Falls and looking ad Daemon College. I should go to bed, so I'll write again tomorrow.
Why do I feel so angry whenever I say no to my dad? I feel like I hate him. I really don't understand my emotions. Why do I feel the way I do?
We wen't to Niagra Falls today. It was nice. Daemon looks like a nice college.
I don't have much else to say so I'll write back tomorrow.
I guess I never realized how important music is to me. I escape into it. It's where I can find the real me. I'm feeling kinda sad. I'm going to FHS for a while. I'm going to see Ken tomorrow. There's a lot I want to tell him. My emotions are fuckin' me up so much I don't know what to do. I think I'll go to bed. Write back tomorrow.
Well, today went pretty well. I'm going to drop pre-calc for some other math course. I haven't gotten my locker open yet. My teachers are pretty nice, but this was only the first day. I met with Ken today. I'm feeling better, I think. Next time we will meet with my parents. I hope things get better. I don't have much else to say, so I'll write again tomorrow.
I got in to School Without Walls!! Yes!! Wow, I can't believe it really happened. I didn't like FHS at all, really. I got angry again tonight My. I don't understand. I mean how can I hate my parents, but still love them? I would really like to know the answer. I'll write tomorrow and tell how things went.
Wow! In all the excitement I forgot to write last night. It was wonderful yesterday. We had our extended class, I'm in Issues, had lunch, and then went to a rally for John Erb, where we saw Jesse Jackson. Next week we sign up for our other classes. It's not up here. Tonight we went out to Coco's to celebrate. I don't think I have any thing else to say, so I'll write back tomorrow. BTW, I'd like to go hang-gliding sometime. write tomorrow...
I'm not sure what I'm feeling but I don't like it. If it makes me listen to The Wall it can't be good. I hate my dad, or at least the things he does. I hate how I can feel happy one moment and lousey the next. I don't know what else to say. I often feel real tired. Depression does that to me. Just robs me of all my energy. I should be happy, I'm in SWW, but this feeling keeps creeping in and bringing me down. I don't have anything else to say, I don't think, so I'll say goodnight 'til tomorrow.
I like school. Boy that's a funny thing to say. But I really do like school. I can't wait for tomorrow. I feel like I'm learning something. I'm paying attention to things. I'm excited. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me! I've got to goto bed so I can catch the 7:10 tomorrow. Write tomorrow.
Not much happened today. I'm still thrilled about school. I'm the gamemaster for a Dr. Who RPG. Not much else. I'm going to bed. I've got to catch the early bus tomorrow. write back tomorrow.
Well, not much is happening. Things seem to be evening out, getting back to normal. I'm going to start Kung-Fu again, partly for PE credit. I'm running out of things to say, y'know, writing everyday so I'll write back on Saturday night unless something important happens.
I've got to write a journal for school, but I don't know what to write it in, I mean I write all my personal stuff and problems in here, so what do I put in the journal. Most of what is important is private so I write it in here. I'm going to have to talk to Bob about this. Sorry I didn't write on Saturday, I guess I forgot in the excitement about school. I feel a little down, no reason, I don't hink, I just am. I can't think of anything else, I'm getting another of those states of confusion again. I'm sure I want to be a psychologist, I think I'll work with children and teens. I can't think of much else, so I'll write back tomorrow hopefully.
I hate weekends. They're such a drag on me. My mom insists I clean my room, and then she does it. I have no privacy at all!! Why? Why do things have to be this way? I'm so confused. Maybe I'll get better tomorrow, but I know it won't last. I've got so much anger, but I don't know how to let it out. I feel like I want to just scream as loud as I can. Maybe if I could find a weekend job, or just anything to do on the weekends. I don't think I can put into words how I feel. I'll write back soon 'cause I feel like going to sleep. G'night.
I feel frustrated, but I'm not sure why. I was talking to this kid Matt, who came to Midtown with me this afternoon. He asked me how my home life is. I guess I sort of evaded the question because I didn't really want to tell him how I really feel about it. I mean, I think it's lousey. I sometimes wish I didn't have to go home. I feel kinda sick about these feelings. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling them, like it's wrong. I'm going to sleep now. I'll write again soon.
I'm feeling down again. My parents are always at each others throats. I feel like I can't think strait. I hurt so much. I just want to get out of the house. I don't have much else to say, so I'll write again soon.
I was reading parts of my diary just now, but it's too painful to read. My life is so terrible. I hope things get better. Write back later...
I feel depressed, but I don't know why. School is tomorrow, nothing important has happened today to make me feel this way, so I should feel fine, but I don't. I wish I knew why I felt this way. I'm going to bed. Write soon...
I'm begining to forget my homework again. I get sidetracked and distracted easily. I still feel depressed. I can't understand myself, my feelings. When I walk in the front door I suddenly just drop like a rock and feel horrible. I'm seeing Ken this friday, maybe I'll feel better then. I'll write later...
Just a few thoughts I have. I don't know if any of this will make any sense in the future, but it seems to now. Some people seem to, not directly, be suggesting Attention Deficit as a cause of some of my problems. This got me thinking about learning disabilities and also their validity. I think in most cases it is probably the schools tha are disabled. I don't think that schools want to fact the fact that their styles aren't right for all students, so the kids who don't fit it are labeled "Learning Disabled" and thrown in a Special Ed class, where they really never learn. Most students never learn the most important lesson of all: How to learn. I would like to show schools what they're doing wrong and how to fix it. I think one of the biggest blows to self-esteem can be just being labeled "LD". I also think learning disabilities are actually learned disabilies. Kids are treated like they're stupid, so they act stupid. Ok, these are more than a few thoughts, but I had to write them down, because the who idea bothers me. But I am glad there are schools, like SWW, who can make needed changes.
I'm going to do my community service at the Center for Youth Services. I'm calling tomorrow to find out what I'm doing. My hand's getting tired, so I'll write back later.
I hate my parents, they don't understand me. I feel so awful. I don't know how to say what I feel. I just want to do to bed. Write later...
Walls are too confining, like everything else. I hate confining things, they make me feel too alone. I had a conference with Bob on Wednesday. He seems to understand how I feel. Maybe things will change. I'm doing my connumity service at the Center. I feel like I'll be helping kids like myself, who have problems. Only difference is I've never been able to go out and get the help I need. I don't know what else to say, It's like I've written it all before. I guess I'll write later.
Some more things: I think Henry David Throreau was right that kids live in "silent desperation." I was just re-reading my diary, and I understand. A while back I had a meeting with Ken. Everyone seems to want to blame all my problems on what I feel is an imaginary problem, Attention Deficit. No one is willing to face the fact that I have real problems. Except Bob, he understands me. Fuck everyone who thinks I have ADD. They don't understand me! I'll write back tomorrow.
I think I'm gonna make it. I'm feeling real good now. I may be jumping to conclusions, but who cares? I feel great! It's like a tremendous surge of positive energy shot right through me. I'll write back soon, for sure!
It seems like my parents are always more concerned about someone else, never me. It hurts me. I asked my mom to call Ken, but I don't think she did. I'm so confused. My mind is in a whirlwind. I was working at the Center and I read two booklets on Alcoholism and Child Abuse. I feel like I can relate to them. I feel like I've been abused. I think my dad could be an alcoholic. I can't think straight. I feel so angry at everyone. What can I do? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! HELP ME!! write back
When I say NO I mean NO! My parents don't understand that. I say no and they ask again. I don't know what's going on, but I feel angry and depressed. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm going to see Ken tomorrow. I got so depressed on Wednesday or Thursday night, I don't remember which, but I felt very sick because of it. There's a lot I need to talk to Ken about. I didn't finish my homework. I was depressed and I couldn't concentrate well. I have some good times, but they never seem to last. I always fall down and get depressed. and I pay attention to my depression and nothing else. And if I can't pay attention to important things I can't get them done. I have too many worries and fears to attend to. I wish I didn't. Weekends are such a drag. Long weekends are even more of a drag. I guess I'll go to bed. Maybe things will be better in the morning, but they probably won't. Write back later.
I've decided that ADD isn't so crazy. I'm going to have some tests to find out if I have it. I kinda want to be ADD, so they can give me Ritalin and help me concentrate. I get distracted so easily, and I never get anything done. I can't concentrate, I can hardly think. I'll write back soon with more info, but I really hope I... I don't know what I hope. Write back...
I'm going crazy! I don't know what to think. I don't know wether I can trust my mom. She doesn't understand how hard it is for me to concentrate, and on top of that, she interrupts me and makes me mad on purpose. What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't go on like this. What's wrong with me? I'm seeing Dr. McNab on the 5th, and until then I guess I just jave to suffer through this and try to handle my mom's ignorance. I feel so bad when I can't finish things. Maybe I am bad. I feel bad all the time. Life sucks. I feel like dying. It hurts so much. I don't know what it is, but it hurts. I can't do anything. I feel like I'm gonna die anyways. I can't stand it. I try so hard, but nothing works. I get further and further behind. What can I do? I'm smart. I know I'm smart. BUT I DON'T FEEL SMART!!! I'm stupid. I'm stupid and I don't know anything. Bye.
I want to run out to some open place far away and just SCREAM as loud as I can. All this pain is building up inside of me. I can't let it out. I have to let it out.
Bye
It's very hard for me to concentrate. I don't think anyone without my problem could understand the difficulties I'm having. I'm probably learning disabled. It's very hard for me to keep up. It's a real struggle... My mom just came in. She says we're going ice skating tomorrow. I can't possibly go. I have too much work to do. She doesn't understand how hard it is to do this stuff. I can't wait until next Friday, when I see Dr. McNab. He's going to give me some tests and help me do better, I hope. I have to find out if I'm LD, because I'm having so many problems. I can't think of much else to say, (maybe because I can hardly think at all) so I'll write back soon.