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I have learned something very important. I have learned that many times there is not just one answer to a problem. What may seem at first to be a fact my actually be an opinion. It was a fact that I was/am learning disabled, but now it is simply another opinion. There are many ideas which are right, but only one of them is right for me. I have to decided which one is right, and I will have to live with the decision I make. I was the one who decided to have LD testing done, but now I'm not sure that it is the right thing to do. I have many other problems, any of which could affect how well I learn. I'm not sure I still want to go through with these tests, because the opinions that come out of them could be transformed into distorted fact. I could potentially wind up in a system where my opinion is false, or wrong, which should be impossible, because an opinion can not, by nature, be false. What if they form a plan without involving me, or not allowing my input, that would put me in a powerless position, and then control me like a mouse in a Skinner box. I would be powerless to do anything. I din't think I could handle being put in that position.
If one speaks against the norm, he shall be punished. It doesn't matter where, or when. People do not like different ideas. If I were to say I am not learning disabled, I would be told how perposterous the idea was, even though I know in my mind that it is completely valid. A book on learning disabilities notes that not all learning difficulties are biological. Many, and I feel mine are like this, are emotionally or enviornmentally caused. When I had mentioned these doubts to Ken in our last session, he told me it was impossible because all learning disabilities are biological. Just the kind of closed minded attitude I'd expect for a school psychologist. Bob, on the opther hand, accepted my doubts. He never seems to tell me what he things about these issues, which I think might be helpful because it gives me more time to for my opwn opinion. One thing that helped me realized that I should stick to my opinion and not give up was/is a song by Rush called The Pass:
It's not as if this barricade
Blocks the only road.
It's not as if you're all alone
In wanting to explode
Someone set a bad example
Made surrender seem alright
The act of a noble warrior
Who lost the will to fight.
I think I'll go through the tests, perhaps pick up a useful idea here and there, but I will make sure that I make the final decisions.
There is a banner in Windsor's room by Martin Luther King Jr. It says, "The true test of a man is not where they stand in times of comfort and convenience, but where they stand in times of conflict and controversy."
In Charles's room, there's a Sid Vicious poster that says, "Don't let them take you alive!"
Just a few more thoughts before I go to bed. I'm going to work hard. I'm going to get my work done. I'm gonna show those fuckers how to do it. I don't need any fancy drugs or LD stuff. All I need is myself and the power to say I can do it! YEAH!
Even though I don't think I'm learning disabled I don't think exploring the idea will come to naught. I am learning some good things. No matter how far down you are... I don't think that's right. Let's try that again. You don't realize how good your life is until it gets worse. I thought my life was as bad as it could be, but then Dr. McNabb perscribed some Imipramine for me and I felt completely awful. Now that I'm off the stuff (my own decision) I feel a hundred times better. I also learned that everyone will have their own opinions, so when it comes down to making a decision about my life I have to listen to my own opinion first.
I will go through with the tests, but I will listen to myself first and if something doesn't seem right, I won't do it. I won't give up the fight. I won't surrender. I may be a minority of one, but I'm a damn strong minority.
Just a thought from 1984 that sounds good and I don't want to forget it:
Freedom is the freedom to say two plus two equals four. Once that is granted all else follows.
It seems to say that first you have to be free to say what is try, then other freedoms will come naturally.
I just looked back through this diary and most of what I've written I've written in the past year. It's not pretty stuff. It's downright horrible. I think it's time to change all that. I'm going to make things better.
Look out world! Here I come!
I've got a great idea for an independant research project that I could do that would be helpful with my situation. I could research learning disabilities and emotional problems and their effects on performance in school and how to distinguish one from the other. I think I'll talk to Bob today/tomorrow.
Now that I've got that written down I won't forget it and
I might be able to go to sleep. Now I'm thinking about the
new year and decade and how I didn't do anything special to
celebrate. Maybe there wasn't anything to celebrate. But I
think this just might be a good year. Now if I could just
get to sleep...
It seems kindof funny. I don't think I'm learning disabled, but I still want to find out more about learning disabilities. I was eager enough to ask for a copy of an announcement for a workshop presentation at Norman Howard when I was at the Center today. People will let you say yes much easier than they will let you say no. If I say, "Yes, I might be LD," they accept that quite easily. But, If I say, "No, I don't think I'm LD," then they tell me all sorts of things to try to make me change my mind. I need to be sure never to forget that two pluse two do equal four. I have to know that what I know is the truth. I will continue to study learning disabilities, but from a view that perhaps only I can see fully.
I still have problems at home, but they seem to be shadowed over by the idea of learning disabilities. I have a headache now and I should go to be. But I think I'll leave with an idea. I'm not completly sure what exactly it means, but it came into my mind. It says this:
Although the paper may be covering the rock, the rock is still there and will stay there until it, itself is moved.
Dr. McNabb called my mom today. He is suggesting that he prescribe Ritalin for me. This is going to be had for me to decide because I'm not fully convinced that I am Learning Disabled, and I don't know that I really need any drugs. It one way I'm inclined to try Ritalin, but also I don't know if I should.
I finished The Restaurant at the End of the Universe today. That was a good book and it had a real good ending. Now I'm going to start Life, The Universe, and Everything.
I don't have much else to say, and it's 11:30, so I'm going to go to bed.
I have decided that I am not going to take Ritalin, or any other drugs, unless I find that I really do need it. I think I can make it by myself, with a little will-power and hard work. That never hurt anyone. I really don't even think I'm learning disabled.
I might be applying to a summer college program at Cornell University. It sounds very interesting. The only problem is money. I will have to get a job really soon.
I feel like moving out. I'd like to rent an apartment and get a job and live by myself. It would be wonderful. I feel so bad about thinking about this. It's legal and everything, but I still feel like it's wrong to be thinking these thoughts.
I just noticed Casey's under my bed. I just let him out.
But I'd really like to move out so I could live a more peaceful life. I don't know what will happen, maybe the summer college will help things. But, whatever happens, I hope it will be for the best.
My session with Ken on Thursday was interesting. We were talking real well, he was listening and being helpful. Then he brought my mom in, like we planned, and I just clammed up. I don't know what happened to me.
I've got to go to bed now. Write later.
The thought of moving out to an apartment is sounding better all the time. My dad gets on my nerves so much. With my own apartment I could get a little peace and quiet and I wouldn't feel like I'm going crazy. The mixed feelings I'm having towards this idea are really tiring me out. This is going to take a long time to figure out. I'm having feelings that I can't find any words for. It's a strange sort of feeling. It seems bad, but maybe not. I don't really know what it is, and maybe that's one of the reasons I feel like I'm going crazy. I sure hope I make it through these things and get to better days.
'Night.
I feel shitty. Apartment living is sounding better all the time. What the hell's wrong with me? I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't think. I want to get out. I hate them they're out to get me. They hate me. I I can't express my feelings. I don't know what they are. I've given everything I've got. I don't have anything left. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll talk to someone at the Center tomorrow. I feel like I can't go on.
Bye...
HELP!!
My thoughts have made another U-turn. Now I'm again thinking that I'm Learning Disabled and that Ritalin could be a good idea. My mom says to wait until after my test on Thursday. This seems so crazy. It's like I'm going around in circles. I guess it can't hurt to do this stuff like these tests and Ritalin and stuff. But maybe it can. Maybe I should leave these decisions up to someone else, but can I trust someone else with such important decisions. I guess I'll just let it flow, and see where it ends up.
Why did suicide just pop into my mind? It seems like it's trying to tempt me. I wish I could just tell it go go away and leave me alone. I guess I'd better go to bed. G'night.
Now my thoughts are where I want them, thanks to Thomas Armstrong and his book In Their Own Way. I AM NOT LEARNING DISABLED. That's Final!. Now that I've said that, I feel better.
I'm going to make some rules for my life. Not the stupid kind that everyone else makes for other people, but some useful ones. Here they are:
I hope I follow these rules, although it may take some time to get used to them.
I didn't buy most of what Dr. McNabb said in our meeting yesterday. Many of the test I took seem to be bogus. They don't tell me anything. I've gotta go. I think I hear Arlo Guthrie calling me from Alice's Restaraunt. Later...
People don't seem to care what I say. I say that I want to can this whole thing of the tests and stuff, which I initiated, but my mom says "Give it a chance. If they can give you some strategies..." and so on. Fuck it. I'm sick of this. I don't know what I've gotten myself into, but I want out. I've got to try to resist. "Resist or perish."
I want to look back and see how well I followed my rules today.
These rules might be a good thing to put in my journal. Maybe I'll do that. Well, it's getting late, and I'm going skiing with Matthew tomorrow, so I'd better go to be. Write again...
I have another rule to add to my list:
That's all. G'night...
My mom said she's thinking about moving out and she'd like me to come along. I'd like to, but I'd feel kind of guilty. I actually feel guilty just thinking about it. I guess I'd better think it over and maybe talk to someone about it. I think I'll go to bed. Goodnight.
I know I don't want to live with my dad, but I'm not sure if I want to live with my mom either. I guess if she moves out, I'll go along and if it doesn't work out I can still move out. This is a really tough situation. I don't know if I can make it alone. I think I mean alone in two ways, both without help from someone or if I move out and live alone. I'm not sure what to do. I can't seem to think very clearly, so goodnight.
I'm going to drop Judi's math class. She's not the same as she was at the beginning of the year. She seems to discriminate against me and John. I couldn't stand today's class, or the conference she made us sit through. She doesn't listen to me. It makes me angry. I am angry. I could do more productive things at the library or the computer room. That's about all I have to say, so I'll go to be early. GOODNIGHT.
I'd like to forget today, but I feel compelled to write it down. My mom got pissed at me because I didn't want to get a haircut today. It turned into a war sort of. I hate her. I hate both my parents, but they can be nice to, and I'm really confused about this whole situation. I think I should ask Bob for an emergency conference on Monday because I don't think I want to stay here, but I'm not sure I want to move out on my own. My life seems to really suck. What can I do? I can't think of anything else to say so goodnight.
I'm back to Learning Disabilities again. I'm going to start taking Ritalin soon. I have an appointment with Dr. McNabb tomorrow. It seems insane how I keep changing my view back and forth. I'll also have a conference with Bob tomorrow. I've got a lot to talk to him about. I don't feel like I'm thinking straight. I can't think of anything else to write, so goodnight, I'll write again soon.
Also, I've decided not to drop math, at least not yet. Today wasn't to bad. I think that's all I have to say. I'll write soon, goodnight.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I know I can't stay here much longer, but I'm very nervous about moving out. Laurie, my new conselor, said it would be possible for me to get welfare if one of my parents signed something saying I can't live at home. I don't think they'd sign anything, but even so I had never thought about welfare. I've always wanted to earn my own living, but I may need it for a while. Matt says I can live with him for a while if I need to. Whatever happens I can't wait 'till it's done because I'm under a lot of stress from not knowing what's gonna happen. I know now that I'm not LD, but the things that are happening here are affecting my school work. If I could move out I think I could think clearer. Somehow I've got to figure this out.
Gonna make a change
For once in my life
Gonna feel real good
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right.
--Michael Jackson