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A lot has happened over the past year. I've written in my journal for school instead of here. I guess I'll start at the beginning.
I still believe that I'm not LD and that my problems are at home. This is more bearable, though, because I'm going off to college in 64 days. More about this later.
Because college is so close now I've decided not to move out. I can get my BS in CS on their $ and I won't have to live at home.
I did my senior project and graduated.
College: I've been accepted at RIT. I found out in December. Even though it's only about 15 miles away I'm living on campus, hopefully in Computer Science House.
I had a friend, John, who I cared very much about. He was my best friend. He was the first person I really gave a damn about. We are no longer friends though. I gave, he took, and I couldn't handle that relationship any more. I still care about him. I wish we could get back together again, but we probably won't.
The biggest event this year is my realizing that I'm gay. I found a lot of help online--and a lot of good friends. My flashlight is dying so I'll finish tomorrow.
I'm amazed. I'm surprised. I'm glad. I'm glad I wrote the letter to John. I decided to take the first step in renewing our friendship. He read the letter and called me. I was so glad I didn't take Phil's advice and wait for him. It sounded almost like he was waiting for my letter, like he wanted an invitation to call. Or maybe I can actually write letters that can be influential. Whatever happened, I'm extremely glad to have him back as a friend.
I think I'll rest easy tonight.
"Why must we go on hating?
Why can't we live in bliss?"
--Cat Stevens
I'm perplexed. The idea of friendship is perplexing me. Mainly I'm beginning to question whether John really wants me as a friend. I've poured a lot of everything I've got into this friendship--more than any other friendship--and still he treats me like an inferior idiot. If we have a difference of opinion he automatically dismisses my point of view as wrong. I suspect if I died tonight he would care at all. The hardest part of that is the fact that the same would not be true if he died. I'm beginning to think I should give up again but something doesn't feel right about that, either. This is dangerous when my gut responses start fluctuating quickly like this. I'm going to send him some E-Mail tonight and ask him a few questions. I don't know if I can keep painting with him feeling like this. Maybe when I get to RIT I'll be too busy to think about him. I don't know.
Well goodnight.
I'm sitting on the third floor of the U of R library on a particularly hot and humid afternoon. I came over here after working on John's house. It appears as if things are starting up around here. There's lots of cars and people everywhere. Why did I choose the third floor? Because that is where the gay books are. I think I've been kidding myself about sex not being important. Everyday I work on the house with John I look at him and think about have I'd like to have sex with him. The problem is I'm pretty sure he's straight which makes it very unlikely that I'll ever be able to fulfill that dream. I don't really know what to do about it. I mean, I could tell him I'm attracted to him. But by doing that I risk our friendship, especially considering he doesn't like to talk about sex. There is, of course, the possibility that he would be interested in having sex, but that doesn't seem likely. The only other option seems to be for me to continue sitting around jerking off and thinking of him. But then I wouldn't really be having sex with him and I wouldn't feel his body next to mine. Well, after writing this I feel like masturbating, so I'll go do that now.
I'm at RIT now. I think I'm getting my first real taste of peer-pressure. There's a party going on over in Fish and everyone's there. I know everyone is wondering where I am. I am not a partying kind of person and I don't know how to express that to them. I would much rather spend a nice quiet evening doing relaxing or thoughtful things. But I feel square if I don't party like the rest of them. I... Apart from that, it's been pretty good. I've go a nice schedule and my professors are all real good.
I'm beginning to like Bryce less and less. He seems so apathetic and superficial to me. I know if we're roommates for the whole year we'll be ina huge rommate war by the end of the year. My problem is trying to tell him nicely and make him understand that I don't want him as a roommate and that it wouldn't be good if we were. I don't know if I should talk to him directly or if I should send him E-Mail. Basically it's either he goes or I go.
Calculus is becoming unmanageable. I just don't have to background for it. I'm going to go to the Learning Development Center tomorrow to see if I can pick up what I don't know. I'm beginning to think (again, again) that I'm ADD. I can't stay focused what I'm doing my homework or in class. Maybe I'll ask about that tomorrow, too. I've got a lot of confusion and I feel like going somewhere no one will find me and just sit and cry.
I'm in my room right now. I can't go to sleep because Bryce decided to do his homework and I can't sleep with the light on and the clack of the keyboard. He says he wouldn't mind being to one to go. That's good, but I'll still be wondering why he so desperatly wanted to stay with me as a roommate. I still have to get help with Calculus. I'd better do that tomorrow or I'll be sunk. Well Bryce is in bed now (his homework didn't take as long as I expected) so now I can get to bed, too.
I don't think I want to day in Computer Science House anymore. After last night I've come to think of it as a party house. I asked them twice to quiet down a little so I could get to sleep, but they didn't listen to me at all. I was about to go and sleep outside. I'm going to talk to Pat about moving out of CSH. I want to study and get a good night's sleep and they want to party. Maybe there's space on one of the quiet study floors. I met Jason (G.) today and he said to learn to live with the noise. I can't. Luckily we aren't doing anything in Programming I that I don't know already, but I didn't pick up anything in Calculus. I just sat there tired and hungry because I didn't have time for breakfast. I got up and had half an hour before I had to leave.
On a better note, I got some help with Calculus. Jason (N.) showed me how to do some of the problems. After he showed me, they all looked easy. It was usually little things I overlooked. Probably because I didn't pay attention long enough to figure it out. Well, hopefully after I leave CSH I'll be better off.
I think I am doing too much. I think Computer Science House is becoming more of a distraction and a source of wory and stress than anything else. I think I will be leaving without regret, but with a feeling that there may have been some good out of it. I believe Robert Frost put it best when he wrote "Nothing gold can stay." I will leave knowing that it was fun while it lasted, but now I must get on with other things. T. H. White wrote that "the best thing for being sad is to learn something." I have just read the first few pages of Emerson's Journals and have concluded that being social and doing what other people are doing is not necessarily the only way to live. In other words, I don't need to go out and do things with others if I don't want to. The life I'm living now, of solitude, is perfectly fine. I shall pursue my own directions different as they may be.
Books To Read:
I just finished reading a lecture titled "Perpetual Forces" by Ralph Waldo Emerson. It was about the powers of Nature that man has access to. He says to use these forces we must be obedient to them. Basically, don't try to bring the forces of intellect down to us, but instead raise ourselves up to it's power.
I still haven't done anything with my intro sheets. I guess I'll probably be off the floor but that's alright. I like it there, I like the equipment and the people, but it's probably more of a distraction that I need.
There's so much to learn. I have so many books I want to read. There is so much thought out there. To learn a little is all one can hope for. It is saddening that many people do not have this love for learning. So many would rather be guided in their learning on to a narrow road instead of going out and exploring what the world has to offer. There is a lot out there. Plenty can be found in a library. Much more outside. Put all the knowledge the world has to offer together and there is enough to satisfy a person for a million lifetimes.
Books To Read:
John Lennon would be proud of the events happening today. President Bush gave a speech last night in which he proposed substantial reductions of nuclear arms. Perhaps world peace is achievable in the near future. We may even achieve it before I graduate. This is certainly an exciting time, and it may soon be a prosperous time.
It is wonderful to have a good library close by. I believe I am spending more time here each day. I usually read some from a book I choose, and then reflect on it, the day, and often on life. I think I', going to read another of Emerson's lectures.
I may start some early morning meditations if I can get up early in the morning. It is wonderfully quient in the morning - very peacful. I think some quient reflection would make a good start to the day.
I just read "Character" from Emerson's Lectures. It was very interesting. He discussed how there is a common mind and morals in all of us that guides us and tells us what is right and what is wrong and that institutions such as religion are simply the inventions of people who were not able to understand Nature in it's simplicity. The one thing that struck me as particularly interesting was when he said that God perfers athiests. It seems that Emerson thought that religion was corrupt then, as I do today. But he saw hope that these facades were fading and more people were seeing Nature for what it is.
'Tis nights like this that truly make life worth living. The night is beautiful. I am perched under a street light in the LBJ parking lot. There is no sound but the passing of cars. The moon is to my left. 'Though it hides behind the trees I know it is there. There in front of me, to my right, is Ellingson standing proud and stately. Not one car is parked in the lot. Behind me is darkness, courtesy of the trees.--Beautiful pine trees that look as if they'd say "I'll protect you" if only they had been made to speak. It is a cool night; I can see my breath. Playing with my breath is fun. I can make small puffs and big puffs - I can even draw it out for a long time. It almost is a perfect place to lie down and go to sleep. But when I awake the beauty would be tainted. I shall leave here with the beauty in my memory and the knowledge that life is wonderful.
Tonight, no reading, no quiet reflections in the library. No pleasant, relaxing romps through the fields. Just some meetings. I shot a couple rounds of pool today. I'm beginning to feel myself as part of the house. I love it here. I love the people here. I almost can't imagine any other floor being better. I want to stay here. My only problem, I think, is Bryce. It's not so much that I don't like him. It's just that he doesn't share or seem to understand most of my passions. He seems to be in his own world and has shut me out of it.
I do not know what tomorrow will bring. All I can do is hope that things turn out the way they should and trust that Nature will take the right course.
I long some for quient reflection, but with each passing day I become more and more a part of the family at Computer Science House. I shoot pool or play foosball whenever I get a chance. It's the first time I feel like I belong. I hope Shaggy will go easy on me for not finishing my intro sheets. I wrote a nice 2 page essay for my English Comp "journal". I hope she likes it. I missed programming this morning so I'd better get to sleep soon so I don't miss it again tomorrow.
I sit on a bench, facing the Lyndon B. Johnson building. It has a look of openness. I'm not sure if it is openness to ideas or to learning that strikes me. Perhaps it's both. I take a sign language class there. The architecture inside is truly beautiful. The night is a little warmer than Saturday. There's dew on the ground.
Tonight was the first night, I believe, that I realized I am free. I can do just about anything I want to do--and I choose to live a quiet, calm, and simple life most of the time.
My philosophy is to take one day at a time. Do what is important for me at this point in time. Others may think me wrong in this attitude, but I believe I am right. I have had many a times that I attached myself to someone or something only to be let down. So no longer will I compromise myself to please others. If someone wants to be a friend they must like me for who and what I am and not try to change me to suit their image. The other way is too hard. I believe I can make it on my own. I have been for as long as I can remember.
I'm here in front of LBJ again. I was about to leave after reading part of a story in Harper's Magazine, but I suddenly had a desire to write. I like it out here because of the peace and quiet--no radios or loud, drunk yelling.
I have a few things to write down tonight, so let's start easy.
My study habits (or lack thereof) are getting to be a real problem in Calculus. I keep promising myself that I'll go to the Learning Development Center but I never do. I know I need the help.
I started a part-time job at the Center working with the publishing of the Something Like That newsletter. I work 4 hours a week usually.
Now the big thing. Shaggy talked to me last night when I returned from writing and basically told me that I'm unofficially, but almost certainly, going to be asked to leave CSH after this quarter. I expected it, and it's probably best for me, but I'm somewhat sad about it. I was just starting to like it there. It is the first place I felt like I belonged, like I had some sense of fraternity there. I love CSH. I believe that, even after I leave, I will still love CSH. I feel like I've let them down or that I've decieved them and made them think I'm someone I'm not. Maybe it was all just a facade so I could be on the floor. Maybe I wanted to be like them but I didn't have what it takes to change. Oh well, so long Computer Science House... I'll still visit.
Looking back, it was almost a month ago that I first realized I needed to get help. Well I finally did. I went to the Learning Development Center today and made an appointment for Friday. I feel quite relieved. I walked across the quartermile and told myself I'd be damned if I cross back to the dorms without taking a first step towards getting some help. And I did.
I watched my first game of football today. I'm really beginning to feel like one of the gang.
Last night I missed the House meeting. I was in the library reading more of Emerson's lectures. This one was about Education. Emerson seems to have a similar view of education as Thoreau did. He basically believed that the American education system is too mechanical or, as he called it, military. He believed that it was too regimented and didn't give the students a chance to study what they wanted to learn. It hasn't changed much in over a hundred years.
I'm beginning to wish that I hadn't believed so strongly before that I wasn't learning disabled. My parents believed me and now I think I might be.
There are two boys I have a crush on. One of them is in my Calc class. He's kinda short, dirty blonde, really cute looking ass. The other's in CSH. He's about my height, dark hair and he seems to be eyeing me like he's gay too. I want to make it with someone real bad. It's real hard to get sex when you're gay.
I had my first full day of work at the Center today. It is a nice job for me. I basically have my own office.
I found out the name of the cute guy on the floor. He's Mike. I wonder if I could work up the nerve to ask him if he's gay.
In a real sense, Freedom does not exist. Simply, there is always something that you have to do or that you can't do. I believe the only way a person could really be free is if society were abolished and he were the only man on the planet. Then, perhaps, he might be free.
Sometimes I think communication is a worthless cause. I feel like the only safe thing to do is to keep my mouth shut and my hands in my pockets. This may be a result of my feelings from tonight.
I'm trying to start up a workstation and I saked Anatoly for help and he treats me like shit because I forgot his name. And he's acting like I'm imposing on him for asking for help. He's not going to be one of the good memories I'll take from CSH. In fact he'll make it easier to leave.
I need a nice long cry.
"Everyone loves you when you're someone else, son."
--Robert Stone, "To Find the Edge."
I had my meeting with Jane at the Learing Development Center today. We're working on getting me organized. Unfortunately, it's not going to happen overnight.
I feel tired and a little depressed I think. I don't know why. I usually can't think well in my room where I am now.
Well I got the workstations in the user center to start--no thanks to Anatoly. They work pretty nice once you figure out the ins and outs of them.
My lab refuses to compile. I'll have to figure out what's wrong with it.
Mike asked if it was true that I'd be moving out. I got a little defensive when he asked why I didn't get my intro sheets done. I sent him an apology later. I guess I was a little upset because I didn't know why myself. Often I think I could have done them but didn't really try. I think I'm going to miss Computer Science House, even though I can visit.
I keep getting this terrible feeling that something's wrong with me. I wish I knew why I can't do things that I want to do. I wonder if I'll ever reach the goals I'm aiming for. Will I ever be successfull? I feel like I'm running just to keep up with yesterday. As I write these things there is a tear in my eye. I feel like I'm about to cry because it seems like everything is going wrong and nothing is going right. Sometimes I feel like I should curl up and die. But I don't. Why? What keeps me going? Am I just a martyr without a cause? Is there some reason for my suffering?
I get so confused sometimes. I don't really know what to do. If there's a God in the heavens, please help me. Give me some guidance. I feel so lost in this world. I need someone to guide me and show me what to do and how to do it.
Why do I feel so much pain and hurt? I feel like I don't fit in anywhere and I wouldn't be any happier alone by myself. Sometimes it feels like I could go and kill myself tonight and no one would miss me. It hurts just to say that.
I wish I could be normal and just like everyone else. I wish I didn't have so many problems. I'm making progress, but somehow that progress doesn't seem like enough. I guess I want it all now. I feel confused. Things are going better before but it doesn't feel much better.
Well, my hands are freezing sitting out here so I guess I'll go back to my room. I'll probably miss this quiet.
I'm beginning to feel very left out here at CSH. This Friday there was a capture the disk game. I really wanted to be part of the game, but when I asked for information people seemed to ignore me. I'm very hurt by it. I want to leave the floor as soon as I can since I'm not wanted here.
And then there's Mike (the cute one) who, since I missed one house meeting, acts like I've missed every meeting.
I guess I'll be happier when I'm gone. I have a painful feeling that I don't have any friends at all.
I feel like the load of my work keeps piling up and I'm doing worse and worse each day. But I know I'm doing better. I just feel so down. I hope things can get better. I really hope so.
I'm at "home" now. I hat it here. I've got to calling my dorm room home. I just don't get along with my parents.
I bought The Wall on CD yesterday. I was listening to it just now. It's a good album to feel sad to. A real shocking thought struck me wile I was listening to "Outside the Wall." He says "it's not easy banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall." Other times I thought of my parents as the mad bugger, but this time I thought what if I'm the mad bugger and it's my wall? I feel like I'm getting more confused each day. What if I'm building a wall and keeping people out of my world. Am I crazy? Is there something wrong with me? Should I tear down the wall? Can I? I don't want to go "home" anymore. I want my own life. I don't know why I wrote the last sentance. I don't know what it means. I don't want to come home over Christmas. I want to go to bed. Maybe I'll have a nice dream that will be better than reality, if reality is what I'm experiencing now. Maybe it's all just fantasy. Maybe I'm off in my own world. I don't know.
I hate it here. I'm "home" again. I'm always afraid I'll do something wrong. I'm always on the defensive, afraid of what will happen next. I feel a lot better at RIT and at work. I don't feel like I have to worry so much there. No one tells me my hair doesn't look just right, as if that were the most important thing in the world. Here I feel like a burden. At RIT I feel like an equal. And at work I feel like a necessity. It's no wonder I don't like it here. After experiencing what it's like to not have to keep your guard up all the time I can't stand having to put it up again. I want to go home.
I signed for the first time outside of learning. It was just "hi," but still, I remembered how to say it.
I met one of my new floormates a few days ago. His name is Sarp and he's from Turkey. He's a nice guy.
Well, I hope to go home Saturday night (at the latest). Until then I'll just have to suffer a bit. G'night.