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A lot has happened since I wrote last Thanksgiving. There was Christmas break. We had to go home for the entire break. I spent most of the time reading The Fall of the Russian Monarchy for European History. It's an interesting book, but long as hell. I'm still not done with it. For Christmas I got a cabinet for my stereo and a new Walkman. Laster I got a mouse and a modem.
The biggest thing that's happened is my decision to change majors. I didn't like CS. I knew enough that I got bored with it. The projects were dull. I hated "try" for submitting labs and projects. I really couldn't stand the standards we had to follow.
I've changed my major to printing. I got interested in printing from my job with the newsletter. I sat in on two classes and they were very interesting. Yesterday I turned in the form for the change of program. I'll be starting spring quarter.
I'm becoming more organized and am getting more work done. I'm glad I accepted my learning disability and got help. I started going to the Orton meetings, which is a group of LD students who do a lot of different things. I may even become treasurer, which would include a trip to the Annual Orton Dyslexia Society conference in New York City. I'd enjoy that. I met a guy there who went to Norman Howard in high school. He's into SCA--Society for Creative Anacronisms, which is like role-playing except they do it in real life. Sounds interesting.
Calculus is easy this quarter. I bought a used Pioneer amp for $75. It sounds great. I have a new roommate, John, whose also from CSH.
I can't wait 'till spring when I can write outdoors again. We've got a bad snow storm today. I think this is the longest entry I've written. 'Night.
It was 1984-85 that I left Resource Room. I'm not sure now if that was the right move. My learning disability never went away and it was probably why I had such a hard time at Minerva DeLand. Bit if I did stay in Resource Room I may never have gone to School Without Walls. The question has been on my mind, even though the answer wouldn't make much difference anymore. I remember I wanted to leave because I wanted to take Spanish in 7th grade. Otherwise I probably would have stayed.
On the lighter side, perhaps: my theory of universal structure. There are two kinds of dimensions: spacial and temporal. There are an infinite number of unbounded spacial dimensions: all are unbounded. Therefore every point is the center of the universe. The problem in proving this theory is that we can only percieve 3 dimensions, as far as we know we live in only 3 dimensions because that's all we can percieve.
Time is arranged differently. It is a huge--infinite--series of divisions, each representing a decision of some kind--a split where two things could happen. This forms a tree-like structure. From this can conclude that it may be possible to tavel back in time, since there would only be one way back; but one could not go forward or even predict the future because there is more than one future and the one we (or I, or the I that is writing this...) exist in is dictated by decision made in the present and all future before the specified time.
One of the biggest implications I see in this theory of time is that, if this is true, we have free will. A second implication is that many unexplainable events may be related to other, unexperienced dimensions. Such things as astral projection, out of body experiences, ghosts, and perhaps, dreams. There may be other implications that I haven't discovered yet.
First, a question regarding my theory of the universe. Perhaps 2. With the infinite brancing of time, would it be possible for two branches to intersect and create circumstances where one person could meet himself, except that the second person would have a different history?
Second question: could there be more than one universe like the one I described?
We happened to see a court drama, Civil Wars, on TV. One of the cases involved a gay case. It was interesting to note John's reaction. I wonder what he would think if he knew I was gay.
It's getting easier each day to accept my learning disability. I don't even mind metioning it en passant.
Registration's tomorrow so I've got to go to bed. G'Night.
I just returned from a lecture by Brian McNaught on "homophobia." I went in pessimistic, thinking it would be a lot of PC stuff, but it wasn't. He spoke more about growing up gay. I thought it was a good speech. I almost felt like coming out. There was a cute guy in front of me during the lecture. I knew he was gay because he had an earring and our eyes met a couple of times. I wanted to meet him afterwards and maybe get something going if he wasn't already taken. Unfortunately he left before the end of the lecture and I stayed. Had I left I might have had a chance. I am kind of lonely. I want a gay friend. Maybe I'll see if I can go to a bi-gala meeting. Or maybe I'll call Multicom again. I would really like to have sex.
I've been able to focus myself well this weekend and get done what I wanted to do but I don't think it's all my own ability. I've been taking the leftover Ritalin when I think I'm going to have a hard time concentrating. I know I shouldn't be talking it, but it really seems like it helps. Tomorrow I'm going to ask Jackie if she thinks I should go see Dr. McNabb, but I'm not going to tell her that I'm taking the Ritalin. I'm afraind that if it is helping then I'll run into problems when I run out of pills.
I'm also going to look into driving lessons tomorrow.
That's all I can think of tonight. Goodnight.
I feel bad. I got into an argument with my mom on the phone because she wanted me to wait 'till Saturday to buy my books.
I moved because John was keeping me up at night. But Ed's quirks are beginning to drive me nuts. I can't think well right now. I wish I had more time alone. I'm going to go to sleep now.
I feel sad. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be in college. Sometimes it's real exciting, but other times it seems like such a drag. Sometimes I feel like if I were offered a full-time job that I liked and it paid well I'd drop out of college and take the job. But I want to graduate. I just don't know why I feel this way. I wanted to be a programmer. I still want to be a programmer. I just don't want to major in computer science. I'm not sure if I can see myself as a printer or a manager, either, even though I like the program. Maybe I want to do something hands-on, something creative. Is there anything wrong with wanting to do page layouts instead of managing people? Should I have looked at the film/video program? Do I have to have a high-tech job? Could I sell someone on the skills I learned myself? WOuld I make a good musician?
Sometimes the workload seems too big to handle. Should I become a journalist? Is RITsign enough to make me stay at RIT? My mind is full of questions and is jumping all over the place. The confusion is making me start to cry. I'd better stop before someone sees me crying. (I'm in the library, which is a good place to think).
Maybe I'm just not ready for college. There's so much I want to do and I don't have any time to do it. I like my management class less and less each day. I don't want to be a manager. What if what I really want is a job where I do things, instead of being a paper-pusher. I think I want to be a programmer, but I don't want to go through RIT's computer science program. I don't want to be a computer scientist. I know I have a talent for working with computers, but that just seems to be stifelled in CS. Maybe RIT is more than what I want. This summer I'm going to try to learn to play a muscial instrument. Maybe I would make a good musician. Tomorrow I'm going to go to the counselling center and see if they can help me figure out what I want to do with my life. It's so hard to concentrate when I'm so confused. I don't really have any idea what I want to do. I've tried two majors in college and I don't feel comfortable in either. I can't keep up with the work, and I can't even think about having a life outside of my schoolwork. It just doesn't seem fair. Couldn't I just sell myself and get a nice job with the skills I have already? I don't know what to do. I feel like I could cry just thinking about all the confusion in my life... I feel like I've been screwed over with this management class. Most students have almost two years of printing done and I'm just starting. I'm really beginning to think I'm gonna fail. Why is life so hard for me?
After my RITsign class tongiht I almost feel like it (sign language) is enough to keep me here. It's important to me. But I still need to know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I'm still not sure that a BS degree is really what I want. Tomorrow I am going to go to the counselling center and see if I can figure these things out.
Today I wrote on a bathroom wall saying I'd suck someone's dick if they'd suck mine. I'm a bit uncomfortable about it, but I have a strong desire to feel the warmth of another guy and to have sex.
I finally found someone to have sex with. I met him in the bathroom at the Student Union. He's black and deaf and he has a big dick. I got his E-Mail address and we'll probably meet again. It felt good and I felt like it was right.
Today was Amy's wedding. It was exciting, but I feel sad. At the reception I saw a really cute guy (one of Joe's relatives), and I think I've fallen in love with him. I got some pictures of him with my camera, but I never met him. I was too afraid. I was afraid that my family would find out that I'm gay. After the wedding I feel like I want to have a lasting realtionship with someone, but I know I'd have to come out to do that, and I'm afraid my parents and relatives wouldn't accept me.
I got too tear-eyed to finish my thoughts. I'm still confused, but I feel like I need to write something down--maybe make some kind of plan. Maybe I should come out, even though that could be very traumatic. But when I finally come out I wouldn't have to keep pretending I'm someone else. Either way how do I start dating so I can find that special man that I want to settle down with. I'm getting that sad feeling again, like I might start to cry, so I guess I should make some kind of plan.
Here it is: Monday I'll call the counselling center and see if I can make an appointment with Pat. Then I can discuss it all with him and hopefully come to some kind of conclusion. Now let's hope I stick to my plan.
I haven't made an appointment with Pat yet. I probably should. I'm planning to come out in a big way. I'm gonna come out at the next SLT meeting because I feel I have to write an article on being gay. I already have some of the article written--actually just a sidebar. I'm very hesitant, nervous, and afraid because I'm not sure how they'll react. At least I'll feel a bit safe knowing there are some counselors there to help if things don't go smoothly. I feel this is something I have to do, because my life is becoming schizophrenic--I'm one person alone and with gay people, and another false persona around straights who don't know I'm gay. I wan't to become one, and coming out seems like it's the only way.
Gotta go to bed. It's after one in the morning. 'Night.
I don't have the nerve to finish and sumbit my article on gay teens. I wonder if I ever will.
We're finishing up a trip to New York City and Washington. I'll start recaping it and probably finish tomorrow.
First think we did was to go to Aunt Carol's house for a night. I met Mark for the first time that I can remember.
Then we went to New York. I've got pictures of it. It's big. It's a different world.
After a day we headed to Washington. I don't understand how they can get in such a huge fight over whether to get gas. This was the first of a couple times when they helped ruin an otherwise great vacation. I gave up and put my walkman on. When we got to D.C. we saw the Senate and House in session and some other things. Dad and I had a good talk with some Indian people. My mom got real bitchy and said they were a cult. I know that her definition of cult is anything non-Christian or even non-her. She ruined the rest of the day. Fuck her.
Now I'm in Hanover. We watched the wedding tapes and the same feelings about the wedding resurfaced.
Well, I've made it back home. I wrote some more in my story, "No Easy Way Out." It's a story of a gay college student coming out to his parents. I'm telling it from his viewpoint. Twenty-nine more days until I go back to RIT. I've changed my major a second time. I'm now in Telecommunication Tech.
I think I have some kind of depression. I seem to find myself getting sad for no apparent reason. I think that's one think I'll want to talk to someone about, maybe Pat at RIT.
I'd better go to bed now.
Seventeen days left. I really feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know why. I get upset so easily and then I get depressed. What's wrong with me?? I can't think straight. I feel like everyone's out to make my life miserable. I'm playing The Wall right now. What else? I'm on the brink of crying. I wish I could stop chewing on my fingers. That's what brought me down this time. My mom was in here and she asked about the bumps on my fingers. I'm very self-conscious about it. Why does my mood change so drastically so quickly. I feel like I can't control my emotions. What if I am crazy? What then? Do they give me pills and make me into a zombie? That's what struck me really wierd about Mark. He didn't have any really strong emotions. Is that what I'd become? My mind is really mixed up. I guess it's all a matter of acting--pretending to be what others want me to be. It's screwing me up. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of an intimate relationship because I've been hurt so many times when I've opened myself up. Help me!! I'm going crazy!!! Help me.
I WANT TO KILL THAT BITCH! She is making my life miserable. She bitches to me to turn off the television because she doesn't want to watch Saturday Night Live. And then she has the nerve to tell me I'm acting like a child. If I'm not careful I might actually kill her. The feeling is so strong in me--and it's growing. It's a scary feeling because I can't imagine myself murdering someone. I need some serious help. I'm playing The Wall again, as usual when I feel this way. Is there something wrong with me? This doesn't feel like normal. I wonder if I can make it 16 more days or if I'll flip out and do something crazy like kill her. Maybe I'd be better off doing myself in. I wouldn't have to worry about getting arrested for that. Why am I thinking these crazy thoughts. My world is all messed up. I've got to see someone about this but I don't want to tell my parents. I don't feel safe talking to them. I think she's out to get me. Maybe I'm paranoid. I don't know.
I finally made that much needed appointment at the counselling center. I've been really depressed lately and afraid that I might end up like Fang. I have these terrible mood swings and they seem to be getting wider and faster. It's causing me to fall behind in my work. I don't want to die, but I keep thinking about suicide. I hope I can get these feelings worked out so I can get on with my life.
I've been hanging around CSH lately. Last night I went to a party in Thom's room and get pretty drunk. I had three or four Agent Oranges and a Dacquari. They tasted great and I needed that buzz for a long time.
I've got to go to bed. I just had to write something, though.
My life seems to be real confusing. It seems my ADD is causing more problems than I thought. I'm applying to VESID and I hope they can help me do well. It's cold and windy out here in front of LBJ, so I can't write more
Ack. 3 o'clock. I logged on at around quarter of 2 to start writing this 'cause I couldn't get to sleep. I had mail. Wrote a reply. Accidentally brought up sidekick, which is fucked, and it crashed my system. Logged on again. Re-replied. Read new notes on the vax. Changed my plan. I've still got to change my project. Finally I'm actually writing the first in, perhaps, a series of ramblings. What else can I do when I can't get to sleep? Just toss and turn? Music didn't help. I've been having a run of insomnia lately. Well at least I don't have any moring classes this quarter. Why the fuck does CSH keep popping--or pounding it way--into my mind. That's what was keeping me awake. What was? Why was I thinking about it? I moved out a full year ago. I mean they're ok people, but why do I give a fuck that it would keep me awake with no obvious reason. Maybe I had really wanted to be like them. They're all doing really cool things--and going to school at the same time. Don't know what's happening now 'cause my nick account is in the circular file. Anyway, I guess I've found that I'm not like them and maybe I shouldn't have tried. What the hell am I driving at? I don't know. "There are places I remember all my life..." Anyone reading this probably will think I'm a nut. Maybe not. I just hope no one gets the wrong idea and thinks I'm gonna off myself. I thought about suicide a little, but Kevin convinced me to a definitive "no". Well maybe with a little bit of my thoughts off my mind maybe I can get some sleep. Probably I'll put another CD on, or maybe an LP. Which one, though. Maybe Elton John. More Simon & Garfunkel. Maybe I should log off and then decide. Ya know, I get a good veiw of NRH from my window... There I go again. Forget it. It's not that important. It is 3:20, though. I'm probably going to wake up around 1 and have a quick lunch(breakfast) and get off to class. Over break I found some old vax stuff from high school. Nothing great or major. Old stuff. Memories.
Time it was
and what a time it was
It was...
A time of innocence.
A time of confidences.
Long ago it must be.
I have a photograph.
Preserve your memories.
They're all that's left you.
That's it. Memories. I'll always have them. Good. Bad. I had a great revalation just now, but I can't remember it. It had something to do with memories. Well, maybe it'll come to me later. I probably shouldn't leave myself logged in all night, though. Someone might try to call me tomorrw. I haven't a clue who would want to call me though. Maybe I'll figure out some way to wait for an hour or two and then log off. Then I could stop it if I get any new thoughts. Too much work. I think I'll just log out and call up if I still can't sleep. Already 49 lines. That's almost a page with margins. Well, that's it. Good night. I'm going to be. But first, I'll change my project. 'night.
There was a time when I knew what friendship was and what friends did. I seem to have forgotten that somewhere. I don't know how to make and keep friends and what friends do together. And I'm afraid to ask because it might sound silly. I've holed myself up in my room behind my computer that I don't remember anything about the world outside. I've never felt so alone.
I don't write in this as much as I'd like. I seem to only write in it when I feel bad. Over the past two months a lot has happened. I met a guy named Kevin who pulled me out of my depression. We became pretty close friends, but I feel like I've begun to lose him. I know he's the reason I was able to get a 3.3 this quarter. I want to make friend. [sic] I want to remember what's outside my room. How do I do that?
Things went pretty well today. It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do. I finished my DoR for AC circuits which isn't due until Friday. I ran into Ed at dinner. My mom ordered me an 89meg hard disk for Christmas. Finally I'll have a nice system. Things should go pretty well tomorrow. I have to sign my Stafford loan and do the rest of my homework. Then I can relax and have fun in the evening. I suppose I ought to go to bed now.