[ Previous Year ] [ Go to index page ] [ Next Year ]
My break is drawing to a close, another year has passed. My break was ok, as breaks go. I managed to get together with John over the break. I got a hard disk for Christmas. Not much to say. It's been kinda boring. I hardly left the house.
Looking back over the year, I guess I have to say it's been getting better. Last year this time I had been out of CSH for about a month, I was changing my major, and getting my third roommate of the year. Now my nick account, the last remnants of my CSH membership has been dumped in the circular file; I changed rooms a third time and finally got a double as a single; and I think I found the right major for me. In between I had an uneventful summer save the New York trip, experienced success in school and met a great man who has given me new hope and faith. Kevin and I had some rough spots, but I think it will be a deep, meaningful, and lasting relationship. Last spring Fang, a CSH member I never knew, killed himself. For a while I was feeling like doing the same and started to see a counselor, but it was Kevin who convinced me finally to put the idea from my mind. I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I love him. I hope this continues through the new year.
Pretty soon I'll reach the end of this volume that has lasted for ten years. It should be interesting to look back over the past decade, but I have to get some sleep now, so I'll save that for another time.
Here we go again. I feel like shit. I've gotten over my warped perspective of CSH. They're pretty cool, but now I'm feeling real depressed. Less than two weeks ago I met a guy who was real nice. We got along real well. Talked a lot. Res. Life won't let me keep my double as single, so we were thinking of rooming together next year. A few days ago I told him I was gay and I'm afraid I scared him away. He was pretty good looking, but I never was looking for a sexual relationship. Now I'm afraid I've lost a friend because of my sexuality. I feel like shit. You're moving along, thinking life is getting better everyday and then boom. I fall right back into my depression. Something hits me and I feel miserable. Is this the price I have to pay to come out? Do I have to decide between friendship and comming out? Why is life so hard to live? I wish I had friends. I wish I had a social life. I'm just a fucking computer nerd. I sit around and write shit programs in my spare time. Listen to music. Masturbate. I'm a nobody. I can make friends, but I can't keep them. I don't know how long I can take this shit. Up and down. Open myself up only to get stabbed for it. Where the hell are you, Eugene? You avoiding me? I can't stand it. How can I do anything when I feel like shit. I feel suicidal, yet I don't want to die. I want to live, but it's so hard to do when you feel like dying. God, someone's gonna read this and think I'm gonna off myself. I don't want to! I don't want to be suicidal. The thoughts just enter my mind like an univited guest. I can't think well right now. Maybe I'll just go to bed. Maybe I'll sit around listening to depressing music. Maybe I'll... I don't know. Maybe I'll just sit around in that kind of trance state I get into sometimes when I'm depressed. Maybe I'll keep writing here until I blow my quota. I just can't stop thinking about that rejection because of something I can't change. Why can't people see me for who I am and not what I am? I feel like I'm gonna fall asleep at the keyboard. Maybe I should go to bed now and stop writing.
Well. I fingered Eugene and he must have gotten the mail I sent. He was probably expecting me to show up tonight, which I didn't 'cause I was at my sister's house. Well, I'll probably see him tomorrow night. At least I'm not as terribly depressed tonight as I was before. I would like to go over and play the piano tonight, but they've probably closed the building by now. Maybe I ought to go to bed early tonight. Well, now that I'm thinking about Eugene again I'm getting worried about rejection again. Maybe I think too much. Maybe that's why I get so depressed. Maybe I should find a party to go to and get drunk again. What was it that Fang wrote... I've got it here somewhere... Let's see... "If you're happy, you aren't thinking hard enough" Maybe that's the ticket. Stop thinking so hard. Maybe that's the key to happiness. Or it's like Peter Pan. Keep thinking happy thoughts. What's my happy thought? I don't know. Maybe I'll find it sometime. Maybe I should look for it. Then I'll just fly off to never-never land and never grow up. Or maybe become a kid for the first time. "It's never to late to have a happy childhood" I never really was a child. I always had myself buried in technical stuff. Never had much fun. Grew up too fast. I want to grow down. I want to be a kid again. Damn it. I missed out on the best years of my life. When I should have been having fun. I want to be a kid again. "Hook" was a good movie. I saw it today. Maybe I can remember what it's like to be a kid again. Stop being so adultish. Think happy thoughts. Well, I think I ought to head off to bed now. I'm tired. Well, goodnight to whoever may be reading this. Think happy thoughts...
Boy. I've had a busy day. This is the first time I've taken 16 credit hours. I'm sure hoping Eugene doesn't decide to not room with me just because of my sexuality. I sent him some mail, so maybe he'll get over the hangup he seems to have about it. I don't think I'll write much tonight. I'm tired and for some reason I feel dizzy. It appears as if someone's reading these files. I checked the access times for them and some of them were monday at 5, so maybe someone's finding this interesting. Maybe I ought to update my schedule, too. My Kenny G disc just finnished. I should be going to bed now, but I just don't feel like it. There's so much to do. I've got homework. I want to write more Unix utils for Dos. I want to get my 286 into protected mode. I want to really learn how to play the piano. I think Jim Croce said it best,
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them.
Well, at least I'm not depressed right now. I am tired though. So why don't I go to bed. I think I will. I want the weather to get warmer. I hate this sub-zero (Centigrade) weather. I want 10 or above. I want warm. I want to go cycling. Well, I think I'm really going to sign-off now. I've got to go to work tomorrow. G'night, readers in Cyberland.
Well, it looks like Eugene stiffed me. We were going to play chess tonight and I wanted to get an answer to whether he still wants to room with me next year, but he hasn't shown up yet, so he probably won't. I guess I'll have to start looking for another roommate for next year. Anyone out in Cyberland want to room with me? I'm early-to-bed, computer nut, if you couldn't tell already I can get real depressed. I guess I'll just head off to bed now. I'm feeling bad enough. I've been talking to people on ash this week. Lots of good people there. I'm still depressed though. I think I'll just give up on Eugene. It's just not worth it. If he wants to stay away from me that's his business. Yeah it hurts, but what can I do? It's been dragging me down. I just gotta let go. It's screwing me up big time. I'm not doing my homework. I'm missing meals. Of course it not just him. It seems my whole life sucks, so... I don't know. Maybe things'll get better. Maybe when it gets warmer out I'll get on my bike and go. Just go. A long ways. Somewhere. Anywhere. Maybe come back. Maybe just become a drifter. Head south. Or west. Or maybe I'll just lay in my bed and feel like shit 'cause life's delt me a shitty hand. It's all this pain and hurt that's built up inside me. And it hurts more to let it out. I don't feel like writing anything more. I'll get by. Somehow. I'm tired.
God this Stefaan guy is really biginning to get on my nerves. I'm getting tired just thinking about all the mail he's sending and seems to want quick replies. He must think I live on this computer. I've got a life outside of Elm, dammit. I wish I could get that through to him. Cat Stevens is great. Some of the best lyrics I've heard. I should be in bed by now. Maybe I should draw some kind of line with Stefaan. It's like he's starting to control my life. I've got to send him more mail. He wants to know more about me. He's becomming obsessed with me it seems. At least it looks like I've found a roommate for next year. Sean seems pretty cool. Hopefully we'll get along well. I'm not sure if he realizes I'm gay. I haven't told him outright, though I've dropped some rather clear hints. I wish I could find a good friend. Seems everyone I've met is too far off in some way. There was Kevin. He wanted a sexual relationship. Then Eugene. He was prejudiced. And now Stefaan, who wants to know everything about me and wants to know now. I'm beginning to feel like becoming a recluse again. Or maybe go straight as it seems it's easier to find nice, kind, understanding girls than it is to find the same kind of guys. Maybe I'll just channel all my energy--my anger, my fears, my hurt--into music. I'll become a musician and write music expressing all my feelings. Or maybe I'll just curl up and die. Or cry 'till the end. End of what I don't know. I'm so tired. It's 1:00 now. I guess I should start getting ready for bed. All my hurt and pain is beginning to surface again. I can't think much right now. I've got a Calc exam tomorrow night. Hopefully I'm prepared for it. I've got to do a whole shitload of reading in Economics. Exam in Digital Fund. on Friday. It doesn't seem like anyone actually reads this file. The access time never changes on it. Someone read my schedule and my copy of the UN's Human Rights declaration. Not like I care who reads this shit. But it would make it seem more worthwhile if someone did. Well, who cares. My Cat Stevens CD is over, so I think I'll stop here, put some John Lennon on and go to bed.
It's July and only 2 entries this year. Well, Kevin and I split up. He wanted something sexual and I didn't. I've started taking piano lessons this summer, and I'm going to continue this Fall at NTID. I know now what I want to do. I want to be a pianist, but my parents would never hear of it. They want me to be "practical". I am. I've got one life. Why should I waste it doing what someone else wants me to do. I don't know where to go from here. I want to be a pianist but my parents won't give me money for it. I don't want to stay here. I don't know what to do. I see my calling but I don't see the path to it. And it makes me depressed. I hope I find a way soon. 35 more days 'till school. Gotta work tomorrow.
I think I'm going to tell Mom I'm gay tomorrow. I probed her a little yesterday with something she received about supporting the military ban on gays. I think she might be able to accept me.
I don't think I give my mother enough credit. Dad's drinking affects all of us. She's having a tough time, too. I guess I can forgive her for the time she's been angry. I love her. I love my father to; I just hate that alcohol. [ 1997/10/08 Note: Quod scripsi, scripsi... ]
Well, tomorrow's the big day, I hope. I'm not ready for it, but I guess no one ever is. I'm just going to set her down and tell her. I hope it goes well.
Whoa!! :-) I came out to my mom tonight. She took it pretty well. I'm so much happier now. I can't find the words to say how excited I am. I don't have to hide behind a mask anymore. Mark this date. I may be coming out to my father tomorrow. Neither of us know how he'll take it. But once I'm completly out I'll be so happy.
Well, my mom told my dad. I'm annoyed, but I can understand. I know he can be real inquisitive. Now I have to tell him myself--either soon this afternoon or tonight. I'm nervous, but there's no going back now. I just hope he can accept it. 16 days left anyways.
My dad didn't really accept my sexuality, but hopefully he'll get to understanding.
It's been one week since I came out. I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel very relieved. Now I think I can get on with my life. I've got so much happiness and I think it shows.
I have eight days left before I move in. I found out about my roommate on Saturday. I called him last night. His name is Jeremy. He sounds pretty cool. He's a freshman majoring in Marketing.
I can't wait to start the new year. I think, though, it's more that I can't wait to get out of the house. It's better now that I'm out, but I still feel very uncomfortable here--like things could explode any minute.
I had my last piano lesson for the summer. I started to play the Moonlight Sonata.
I'm getting anxious about going back to school. I want to start my classes, especially piano.
I hope Jeremy doesn't freak-out when he finds out I'm gay. I think I'm going to tell him the second day, so he has one night thinking he's with a "normal" roommate. Who knows, maybe he's gay, but I kinda doubt it.
I'm hoping this will be an easier year. I'm going to be having daily meetings (at least for Fall quarter) that I hope will keep me more on track. I'm taking Electronics again this quarter. It should be easier this time around: I don't have Young as a professor and I've read ahead in the book. I'd really like to start talking a full 16 hour load this year, but I don't know if that's going to happen.
I still think I should be a musician. Telecom is exciting, but it's all technical and I want to do something where I can express myself.
Maybe one day I will be a musician.
I'm in yet another of my emotional crises. I just realised that I'm not listening to the advice I give to other people. I seem to tell people that they should live their life so that if they died tomorrow they'd be satisfied. But am I living that life which I'd be satisfied with? I'm not sure. I'm beginning to think I'm not a technologist after all. I really think I want to be a musician. I think about a lot of different things I'd like to do, Computer Science, Telecom, Physics, Library Science... But the one thing I keep comming back to is music. I love music. I love to play music. I almost feel like just spending all my time at the piano and ignoring my classes and just hope I get good enough before they kick me out. Maybe I just don't have the guts to do want I really want. I'm taking piano lessons at NTID this quarter. It's fun, although I liked June's teaching style better than Diane's. My love for the piano is still as strong as ever, even stronger. I'm in love with my instrument. Maybe just 'till I find a man I can love. I'm a hopeless romantic. There's not many of us around. I feel lonely. I met someone in the fireside lounge about a week ago. His name is Brian. We seem to get along real well. He loved hearing my Hanon. Maybe he's a romantic, too. I hope he doesn't freak out when he finds out I'm gay, like Eugene. God, to think I really thought that would last. I really liked him. I really thought we'd be good friends. I guess not. God I hope I don't lose Brian as a friend. I don't know what I'd do then. I think what bugs me is that I'm out, and things seem to be going pretty well, and yet I still feel depressed, like there's something missing in my life. Or like I don't know where I'm going or what I want to do. Like the advice I give. Am I going to be satisfied as a Telecom engineer? I feel like I'm just realising that there's an artist in me that never really had a chance to show itself before and it wants to grow, but I feel like it's too late or something. Well it's ten after one and I really should get to sleep. I just feel so wierd. I'm not really sure I can even put my feelings in words. Well, goodnight.
I just started practicing in Fireside now. And after about 10 minutes they told me they were closing. Seems like that's the way my life's always been. I just get started and I have to stop, so I never get anywhere. I'm in Ross now. What else could I be doing on a Sunday night? I'm depressed again. I don't really know where my life is heading. I don't feel like doing homework. I know I should. God knows I should study up for my Solutions exam on Wednesday. I'm wasting time. But I don't feel like doing anything. I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere in life. I don't listen to my own advice. I know I want to go into music. Instead I'm wasting my time living someone else's life. Maybe that's why I only feel a little better now that I'm out. I'm still living a lie in a way. Ok, really I don't know what the hell I want to do. Maybe that's why I feel like shit. Probably if I did know what I wanted to do I wouldn't have the guts to do it. Where am I going? What am I doing sitting in this lab at night. Will I ever finish anything. Or will I live my whole life starting things and having to stop midstream--never finishing anything. I don't really know where I'm going with this. Yeah, I have some successes here and there. But mostly it seems I get real close and I just don't notice the cliff and I fall and it's out of reach. Or else I wind up changing course and losing sight of what I wanted in the first place. Maybe that's what's happening right now. I'm looking toward music and losing sight of Telecom. Maybe I'm just making that up because I don't want to face the fact that I'm a wimp and I can't stand up for what I want.
Well I just finished 'talk'ing with John. I sent him this file (new entry not included). I feel a little better now. Still in that turmoil, but I'll get by. I always do. I still don't get that part about being glad I have legs. Well, I'll save this now and see how well that detach feature works...
Back in my room. Jeremy's not back yet. He's probably comming back tomorrow morning. My life probably seems worse than it really is since I only write when I'm depressed. It probably doesn't even read well. I write in so many different places. My diary (I've got to get a second one), here, and now I've started an e-diary file on my own system. It's a wonder I do anything else.
Well, I didn't actually get much done today. I did my laundry. I guess that's a plus. Even went to both brunch and dinner. But I know I wasted a lot of time. I didn't really do any studying for Solutions and that's something I really need to do. I've got lab reports due tuesday and wednesday. I haven't even looked at the chapter we're discussing in Physics this week. I'm gonna be so lost this week. Maybe I should merge my e-diary into this file so it doesn't seem so incongruent. Maybe I should split it into seperate files and tar them into one. Maybe there'll be a day that this file will take up an entire tape in itself. ha ha. Maybe it's time for me to read FangsLastWords again. Maybe I really should go to bed. Or go to a shrink. But what do they know. They all contradict each other anyways. Well Jeremy is back and I think I'll go to bed now...
I'm in yet another of my emotional crises. I just realised that I'm not listening to the advice I give to other people. I seem to tell people that they should live their life so that if they died tomorrow they'd be satisfied. But am I living that life which I'd be satisfied with? I'm not sure. I'm beginning to think I'm not a technologist after all. I really think I want to be a musician. I think about a lot of different things I'd like to do, Computer Science, Telecom, Physics, Library Science... But the one thing I keep comming back to is music. I love music. I love to play music. I almost feel like just spending all my time at the piano and ignoring my classes and just hope I get good enough before they kick me out. Maybe I just don't have the guts to do want I really want. I'm taking piano lessons at NTID this quarter. It's fun, although I liked June's teaching style better than Diane's. My love for the piano is still as strong as ever, even stronger. I'm in love with my instrument. Maybe just 'till I find a man I can love. I'm a hopeless romantic. There's not many of us around. I feel lonely. I met someone in the fireside lounge about a week ago. His name is Brian. We seem to get along real well. He loved hearing my Hanon. Maybe he's a romantic, too. I hope he doesn't freak out when he finds out I'm gay, like Eugene. God, to think I really thought that would last. I really liked him. I really thought we'd be good friends. I guess not. God I hope I don't lose Brian as a friend. I don't know what I'd do then. I think what bugs me is that I'm out, and things seem to be going pretty well, and yet I still feel depressed, like there's something missing in my life. Or like I don't know where I'm going or what I want to do. Like the advice I give. Am I going to be satisfied as a Telecom engineer? I feel like I'm just realising that there's an artist in me that never really had a chance to show itself before and it wants to grow, but I feel like it's too late or something. Well it's ten after one and I really should get to sleep. I just feel so wierd. I'm not really sure I can even put my feelings in words. Well, goodnight.
Well, now I've merged the files. I guess I'll send a copy to John and then go to bed. I probably had more to say on the subject of shrinks, but I don't really have time to now.
Well, I seem to have successfully wasted an entire weekend. Well, ok, I did talk with John a bit, but I didn't do any homework and I'm not at all prepared for this comming week. I hate to even go to my check-in tomorrow and face Amy knowing I didn't do anything. I feel so stupid. I know I can do better, if only... If only I could figure out what's missing; what's wrong or why I can't do what I know I'm capable of doing. I'm falling way behind in Solutions and I know I could do well if I'd just keep up with the homework. I'm starting to slip with electronics too. And Physics. Not to mention I hardly ever practice the piano. There's nothing I'm really doing well in anymore. I still feel depressed. I feel like I'm destined to be a failure. What's wrong with me. Why am I awake at 1:30 on a Monday morning when I have to be at my piano lesson in 7.5 hours? Why am I writing more in my journals now than I ever did before. Why do I always feel like I'm out of step with the rest of the world? Out of sync. Messed up. Always late for the important things. Maybe if I could just think of something that I'm real good at, I could get out of this depression. What am I good at? Programming, I guess. I hate RIT's CS program, though. I like to work independently. I like to be creative, usually, I guess. I love to play the piano. I just never seem to have enough time. There's so much that other people want me to do that I don't have much time for what I want to do, let alone think about what I want to do in the future. What do I want to be when I grow up?
But please you must forgive me,
I'm old but still a child. (Queen, All Dead)
I'm tired. What's new. What more do I have to say? My life seems so pointless, so meaningless. What's it all worth? Anything? I really need to know. Am I just a fucked up bastard? Or is there some reason for me to be here? And to stay here? And to not give up and die? So many questions, and I'll probably never get a good answer.
Unfortunatly I don't have much time to write this since the library closes in 15 minutes, but I'm in love. I found someone who is such an amazing person. Great company. He's intelligent and understanding. I really met him by accident outside the library one day. We both really liked each other and... I have to check out a book now. Will continue later.
Well, I started scribbling in my ramblings file in the library, but I had to leave before writing much. I ran into Brian again today and we talked for a long time. I let him know I was gay and he is too. I think I love him. We go together perfectly, and I feel real at ease with him. He's into music like I am. Very euridite and scholarly. We can have real deep conversations and he's so intellectually stimulating. I didn't get his number yet, but he called this evening while I was out. I know I'm going to meet him again. I think this is going to be the start of a wonderful relationship. I'll be thinking of him a lot.
Tomorrow I find out the results of my AIDS test. I'm very afraid. If it comes back positive, I'm probably going to die. I never really had to think about death as something that could come so soon. It was always something that was seventy or eighty years in the future. A whole lifetime away. If I have AIDS then I'll only have about ten years left unless they find a cure. I'm just beginning to understand what I want to do with my life. I don't want to lose most of my lifetime now that I know what I want to do. I feel so afraid. And I don't even know if it's positive yet. I've been so tired this week just thinking about it. I hope it's negative. I swear I'm never going to have sex outside a lasting relationship again. If I do die, maybe someone else will read this. I wish I could get people to understand how dangerous sex is. But I don't think there's anything I can say to make anyone understand. I knew how risky it was. I just never really thought about it happening to me. I can't wait for tomorrow to come, but I don't want it to come. I'm still afraid to find out. I need to talk to Brian again. I love him. He has such charm, and I feel safe around him. I want to be with him more often.
I've fallen so far behind now. I don't think I'll be able to catch up. It's been eight and a half months now that I've been playing the piano, and during that time the desire to play has grown--exponentially, I dare say. I think I'm to a point now where I must decide whether to continue on a path to fulfilling goals set mostly by my parents or to move in the direction of goals which I feel are important. Does a one in a million chance of being successful mean I shouldn't pursue the aim of music in a much greater context? I feel very strongly--and stronger every time I play--that I have some amount of talent which has been dormant over the years; perhaps out of a fear of expression--that I felt uncomfortable being creative at home, and only now is that creative side showing itself. The main question, it would seem, is one of desire: how strongly do I want to pursue this goal? and is it important enough to perhaps go against the wishes of my parents? Oh for want of simple answers to the difficult and pressing questions. But how can I continue to pursue a direction in which my heart does not lie. The more this musical desire grows, the more difficult it is to contain myself to the menial and unfulfilling work required by my present course of study. My energies flourish while at the keyboard. I'm lost in another world. I can concentrate for hours on and in music. I feel strongly that I must re-examine my goals and decide what should be my first priority, rather that accepting another's priorities. Ah, on these issues my mind is in a quandry. I could pose questions at this keyboard all night, but alas I must work tomorrow; work is important since I expect I shall need all the money I can get to finance my aims. I probably won't be able to to catch up, but perhaps the question is should I try?
I just started working on a list for my ALD group at 5:00. I'm supposed to find my strenghs and five ideas for using them. As I started listing my strenghs, I've noticed that it's much easier to find weaknesses and areas for improvement than it is to find strengths. I came up with programming and music and then I drew a blank. I'd like to come up with one more strength. I suppose I enjoy writing. I don't know if it's a strength, but it may have to do. I've never really done much writing, outside my journals at least. Maybe I should do some more writing, like pick a topic and write about it, sort of like Emerson's Wide World journals. I think I'll give that a shot. And I'll put writing down as my third strength, and then I'll have to go off to the group and Electronics. I also talked to Diane this morning about music careers and she recommended I finish the Telecom program and possibly search for a career related to music.
I guess I'm feeling depressed again. Maybe I'm lovelorn. I can't seem to get to sleep--and I have to get up to go to work tomorrow. I put on Elton John's "Friends." Now I'm thinking about Brian again. Boy, I want to see him again. I love him. I feel so good around him. I want our relationship to grow. I'd feel so terrible if it died. Maybe that's why I'm feeling low. I'm afraid our relationship is dying right now. We fit together almost perfectly and I love to be around him. I don't want to lose him. I lost Kevin. Maybe that wasn't much of a loss, but I still did lose him, I feel. I lost Eugene. I thought we'd be good friends, but I wasn't able to open his mind. It seems everytime I think I've got a good thing going it slips away. We were so at ease with each other. I remember hugging him and not caring if anyone saw us. It just felt right. He's good looking too. But he's so intelligent. He makes me think. Things seem so richer when he's around. I don't know why, but they do. I have to call him. I don't know if he'll be around tomorrow, but I'm going to call anyways. Just for a chance to hear his voice. I suppose I'm a hopeless romantic. I love him because he makes me feel good. Maybe I'll have a better chance of getting to sleep now. I don't know if I've got any chance of getting up left though.
"It's funny how young lovers start as friends." --Elton John, "Seasons"
I did much better than I thought I would this quarter. I actually got a 3.14. I'm getting anxious for the new quarter to begin. I didn't call Brian tonight. I said I would. I miss him. I don't really understand myself. I seem to alternate between happiness and depression. Maybe it's just because there's so much for me to be happy and depressed about. I mean I did real well this quarter. I feel good about myself and being gay. I'm happy that I've been able to get to know Brian a little. But I'm sad that I haven't seen him in a long while and I'm afraid that I could lose him. My mind's always in a sort of quandry with all the questions that I come up with that I can't answer. I guess that's why it's sometimes difficult to get to sleep. And then there's the past that keeps creeping up behind me and I think about how things could have been different, either better or--usually, it seems--worse. And then, since I didn't get enough sleep, it's nearly impossible for me to wake up the next morning. I always seem to feel like there's something wrong with me that I haven't discovered yet. I don't know. Maybe I'm just like everyone else, but I don't feel like everyone else. I bet tomorrow I'll be feeling ok. I'll probably be just wonderful Wednesday when classes start. And then I'll go down again. Then I'll come up, and so on. I don't know. Maybe I'll figure it all out one day. If I just hang in there. Well, I suppose I'd better save this entry before logoutd kicks me off. I set that up for a reason--to keep me from staying up late--so I'd better not go and work around it as root. So goodnight it is. And hopefully some answers may be found. Why knows?