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I'm not entirely certain this house obeys the same laws of nature that the rest of the universe does. Everything seems to be crazy around here. I sometimes wonder if these people are really human beings and not some sort of alien. They don't seem to act like everyone else. I've had twenty-one years so far and I still haven't figured them out at all. There's no real cause and effect here. I suppose that's why I try to stay away from here. I get confused, and then I get depressed because I feel like there's something I'm not understanding that maybe I should be. This is chaos. I honestly can't wait until I'm back at school. Things rarely seem to go haywire there. I wrote a letter to Brian yesterday. I can't stop thinking about him. While everything else is confusing, the only confusing thing about him is he's not. We communicate so well together. I want something constant in my life. I'm growing tired of constant change. This holiday break hasn't really been a break. I never really get an honest vacation. Well, my minds a quandry now. I'll just finish here and drift into this Sting CD.
I've been sick for the past week--a little longer actually--and now I feel like I'm SOL. I was behind a little before. Now I tremendously behind in all my classes and I can't see how I can catch up in all of them. I think I'm going to have to withdraw from Electronics. Johnson was tough enough in lab. Now I've got to deal with catching up in it, and he'll probably still have that "my class is the only important thing" attitude.
I still haven't been able to eat much, so I still don't have much energy, and I'm still tired and I still can't do much work, so I can't do much catching up. Which means I'm still falling behind. There's now fucking way I'm going to manage to catch up.
I'm not sure how many more quarters I'm going to last. Each quarter seems to be more impossible and harder than the last. The pressure is driving me crazy. I'm never going to be able to survive 'till graduation. Why do I have to suffer through all of this. I don't have any time to have fun anymore. If I do, I don't have any energy left or it's not really free time so I wind up feeling guilty for not doing work instead. Like I shouldn't be up right now. I should be in bed, sleeping, or doing catch up work. I think I am going to go to bed now. I'm tired.
Brian where are you? I love him so much. And to have that love tossed aside. It hurts. I can't get him out of my mind. I need him. We fit together so perfectly. I guess he just didn't understand. I can't get to sleep tonight. I keep thinking about him. The letter I sent to him came back to me. I don't know if he's moved or if he sent it back. I know I'll never find another person like him. He was amazingly intelligent, understanding, ... And of course, he was good looking and gay, but that's not really why I liked him. He could have been straigt. That've been fine. He took an interest in me. He liked it when I played Hanon. Simple piano exercises, but he liked it still. He didn't think the library was un-cool or something. He liked to learn. He liked to wonder about things. Maybe once we were out to each other it was too much for him. Maybe he was afraid things were going too fast and that I wanted more than just a good friendship. Maybe I shouldn't have come out to him, so he didn't feel like I wanted to go further. I didn't really. I suppose I would have liked to, but I would have been happy just to be friends. He encouraged me to get the AIDS test. I never would have done that if it weren't for him being there. He didn't believe he had the power to affect other people. Maybe he didn't want to believe it. Maybe he felt that if he didn't believe it, that he couldn't affect my life. He did. He made every day a complete joy. I still feel a bit of joy thinking about the times we had. I just wish we could have more times like those. I know now what it's like to lose someone you love dearly. I want him back. I want to see him again. Why can't I? Why do I have to live without him? Why did I have to lose him? How can I ever be as happy as I was then? I LOVE YOU BRIAN! Wether you understand it or believe it or not. I LOVE YOU. You can't change that.
Why is there so much pain and hurt in the world? Why is life so tough? Why do I have to be gay when there are so few guys like Brian. Why am I awake a two in the morning? I know the answer to that one. Brian. It all goes back to Brian. Nothing else really matters. I guess that's why I feel bored. Nothing else matters. Nothing really matters to me...
I'm tired. I think I'll try to go to sleep.
I feel so tired. I feel like I'm working like an ox with very little gain. I work my ass off just so I only fall behind a little. And it seems I have hardly any time to do things I like to do, like programming, reading, cycling, piano. I feel like I'm not living my own life. What's the matter with the world. Dennis Leary is absolutly right. The problem with society *is* that we're never satisfied with things the way they are. Or as Roger Waters said, "Then some damn fool invents the wheel..." I don't know where I'm going. I don't know if I'll like it when I get there. The closer I get, the more I have mixed feelings. Why am I here in college? How much money do I really need? What do I want to do with my life? It seems the more I think about things, the more questions I have. And most of them I can't find a decent answer for. I'm out of the closet and nothing seems to have changed. I ran into Kevin at the Ritz tonight. Maybe I've underestimated him. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just desperate for someone to love who'll love me back. What I was hoping for in Brian. I wonder if Kevin has a SO. Just another thing for me to think about and wonder about. Every now and then I feel like just not getting up in the morning. Just wasting a day. The problem is I'd feel guilty after doing it. Everyone would be on my back. You'll never get anywhere by wasting time, they'd say. Why can't I waste time. Maybe I'm wasting time with all that other crap. Maybe I'm not wasting time when I just sit around and take in life itself. There's so much to see and do and think about. Is it a sin to live. I think it is in this society. Maybe I want to take in nature and life because the Earth is like the only real friend. The only constant. It'll be there for me no matter what happens. People come into my life and they leave again, but there'll always be grass and trees and food to harvest somewhere. I long for that simple life. I'm tired and I have to get up and go to work tomorrow morning. So I'll turn in now.
I'm writing tonight, I suppose, to make an attempt to figure things out in my life, though I'm far from sure what I need to figure out. I've been getting more into diapers and infantilism. It's fun. There's a newsgroup about it now. I never realized there were so many others like me. I suppose this will mean another round of comming out eventually. I'm thinking of sending for the Diaper Pail Friends catalog and maybe becomming a member and get the newsletter. I suppose it's a bit bothersome to feel closeted again after I thought I was out and never had to worry about coming out again. Well, I don't really know where I'm heading in this line of thought. I think Jeremy's outside. I shouldn't worry since he probably wouldn't notice what's on my monitor anyway. But it's that closet feeling.
I think I'm also a bit jealous. He's been worried about getting back together with one of his ex-girlfriends. He's got someone to love, or at least he had someone to love. I suppose I'm beginning to feel lonely. All I can seem to get is cheap sex. I want someone to love who'll love me back.
Sometimes I also feel, in a way, like I'm not in control of my life--like someone else is pulling the strings, deciding what my fate is. I'm going to be lucky if I pass all my classes this quarter because I wan't able to catch up on everything since I got the flu. I've been working myself ragged. I'm tired and I seem to have no time to play.
Maybe that's what this infantilism is about. I want someone to baby me. To care for me and keep me safe. I never really had a childhood. Or at least it all must have passed me by. I'm very insecure about my future and where I'm going. I don't really know where I'm going. I feel scared. I want someone to be my mommy or daddy, because I never felt secure around my real ones. I don't know where this is going, but I think this is about the most I've written in a while. Maybe because I've got so much to think about.
Well, jeremy's back, so I think I'll end here for now.
I'm feeling lonely right now. It seems every time I find someone I really like and things are going good between us, something happens and the relationship disappears like a puff of smoke. I thought I had found a friend in Eugene. That died. I know I had a friend in Kevin. Why I ever let that slip away I don't know. I want to send him a note, but I can't even think of how to begin. I don't really know why I'm writing. Actually I do know. I want to be friends again. And I'm sure he at least wouldn't mind rekindling our friendship, but... I guess I'm a bit nervous. I've had so many relationships take turns for the worse that it's hard to face any new relationship with much optimism. But if I don't take a first step, where will I be? I'll never get anywhere. I don't seem to get anywhere anyway. I tried to keep in touch with Brian and that still died. Stefaan's always there. I guess that's the problem with him. He's too demanding, almost obsessive. And he's in Europe. Fat chance of ever actually meeting him. But I really think I could get something going with Kevin, if I just take a first step. I doesn't really have to be a long letter. Just a what's up note would get the communication started. So I suppose it's up to me to send that note to him. I'm still apprehensive, but I suppose that's understandable considering my history. God help me, I'm going to give it a shot. Here goes...
I've been getting to know Perette more, and I feel like I'm finding a new sense of awareness about myself. We seem to fit together real well. A lot like me and Brian did. I'm beginning to think I'm not as close to a Kinsey 6 as I thought I was. She's so charming. I think I even feel some kind of attraction to her. And yet, she is, even without here operation, a she. And I'm gay. Or so I've believed. I suppose maybe I'm bisexual. I love to be around her. It doesn't seem to make sense. Neither of us seem to understand it, but there seems to be something real between us. Could it be that I love her? I just feel so good around her. I think there's a possibility of something growing out of this. At least a good, close friendship. My mind just seems a quandry right now. I can't really think of anything else I wanted to write down. I guess I'll head off to bed.
I'm beginning to feel one of my depressions coming on again. I suppose I've come to live with them. This time it doesn't seem as deep as usual. I think it has something to do with the pace of things around here. I seem to be swamped with work. I'm tired, and I can't seem to spend the time that I'd like to on what I want to.
So much seems to be happening in my life. I ran into Brian a few days ago--just before an exam. It was like a brief moment of happiness, just a minute or two and then he was gone again.
I like Perette. She seems to be about the only other person I can seem to confide in. Everyone else seems so serious. It seems everyone is so concerned about success--money--that people are almost secondary. I don't know where any of this is coming from. It's not so much what I think as it is what I feel. Maybe I feel confused. I'm not sure where I'm headed or why. I'm not even sure I know where I've been.
I think my depressions are somehow cyclic. The come and go. Maybe I miss some of them because of the ritalin. I know it's also a mild anti-depressant. I feel like reading some Hemmingway or Stienbeck or someone like that. Ok, things are going pretty well, actually. Maybe that's what's confusing about my emotions. Maybe it's that what's going pretty well is what other people consider important, and somehow I'm just not particularly fulfilled by these things. What's important to me I'm still insecure about. I feel really drawn towards music, but I know I don't get enough time to practice as I want and it seems no one would be supportive of me in anything musical, since most musicians aren't successful--in other words, most musicians don't make a whole lot of money. That's everyone's definition of success: the accumulation of small green pieces of paper. I guess I see money only as a means rather than as a goal. The whole idea of money was to facilitate exchange of goods. Now it's used for all kinds of absurd things. Ideas even seem to have price tags. And people aim for a goal of earning more and more money. The world is getting crazier and crazier and I'm not sure how much more I can take of the insanity. Although I don't think I'd do anything like suicide, even though I've thought about it many times. I think I'd just wander off into the wilderness somewhere, unwire myself from technology, and live a much simpler life. Build myself a little shelter in the woods or in some valley somewhere and hunt, trap, and gather food.
I really want to find a copy of Paul Winter's "The Man Who Planted Trees". That's such a great album, because of the story.
I suppose the only other thing I want is someone who I can share myself with. Someone who understands me. If I had these simple things I'm sure I'd feel a whole lot better.
I've written 50 lines so far. That's more than I've written in a long time. I guess I've just got a lot to get out of myself. A lot of stuff to sort out. I feel some tears coming, too. I guess I need to cry a little. There's so much in me that needs to get out. It's that stress that's making things even harder. It's just a human condition, I think. Maybe everyone has this kind of questioning of themselves going on. Maybe a lot of people ignore it. Some people can't. I can't. I can't act like a robot. Because I'm not a robot. I'm a human being.
I'm losing my thoughts. I feel like I was going somewhere. Leading up to something important that I've forgotten now. I think I'm misunderstood a lot of the time.
I think I'm going to finish this entry now. If I don't, I may never finish. I was going to write something about my diaper fetish and infantilism, but I think I'd better leave that for another time.
Here I am again. Waiting for a file to download. I still feel depressed. Why? I didn't get any work done today. I should have done that Physics report. I didn't do anything important or anything. Just fooled around. I know I shouldn't be real hard on myself--I work my ass off most of the time--but still, I know that come tomorrow night I'm going to be paniking again because I've got so much work to do and I don't really think I'll get most of it done. And I suppose it makes me feel inadequete. Like I'm not good enough. I'm good. Real good. Just not good enough. And what can I do about that? Give up sleeping? To do more work? Give up and drop out? Just do nothing and let everything fall apart on me? There just doesn't seem to be any decent answer. But I just can't keep up with this pace.
Thoughts are evaporating again. Time to turn in for the night I suppose.
In the library again. Just sent some e-mail to John, and another to Charles and Jeremy. I've been depressed. I think though that I'm starting on my upswing now. I just had to get some things out. I virtually wrote an e-diary entry in my letter to John. And I hope my one to Jeremy and Charles clears things up a bit. I really need to see Perette again. She just seems to be able to make me feel important, like I'm really someone to her. Well, I knew this deep blue couldn't last forever. So, now maybe I can get back to my regular life. I guess writing is what I really need. I need to figure things out, and I can do that in writing. That's why these rambling and e-diary files get so big. I've got a lot to think about and I do that through writing. Well, I think now that things have cleared up a bit, I'll go and do a little piano playing before I go back and see how things are back there.
I'm not really sure how exactly to start, since I'm usually depressed when I start writing these entries. I'm not particularly depressed now. Perhaps a little melancholy, or rather reflective, I think. Many things are happening. A lot to be excited about. I'm going to be co-oping at the Center this summer; getting the network up and running smoothly. I'll be making a good amount of money doing something that's interesting to me and I'll of course be helping them out. Then there's my relationship with Perette. It seems odd that, although I've associated myself with being gay and I really identify myself as being gay, I've fallen for a woman. Ok, she's not physically a woman yet, but that's how I see her. Our relationship just seems to grow each time I see her. She even knows about my infantilism, and she may even be my mommy. I would really love that. We seem to be having a real close relationship. I care about her and it seems she cares about me. I'm listening to Dire Straits right now. There's something about their music. I can't really pinpoint it. Maybe it's an air of romance in the songs. The way Knopfler makes the guitar sing. Makes me long for Perette to be here by my side. A big hug. That's what I need. That's what I want from her.
I don't think I find classes as important anymore. I never run to class anymore, except maybe Data Communications since Perette is in that class and I get to see her before class and just look over at her thoughout the class and think about how wonderful she is. Every other sentance I write winds up being about Perette. I really don't think it'll help that "Romeo and Juliet" is now playing. I guess I'll just have to face it. I'm in love. I hope she winds up around the area this summer. She's graduating in May and I just don't want to lose her. I'm just so happy just thinking about her. Like the way I still feel about Brian. The thought of him still makes me feel happy inside. That's what's happening with Perette now. All I have to do is think about her and I'm happy.
Well, it's ten after twelve and I've got to get up in the morning, so I'll just end this part of my chronicle here and enjoy the rest of the album.
P.S.: I brought my teddy bear back to school. I feel real happy.
I'm in that same sort of state I was last night. I still haven't found the word that describes it. It almost seems like a longing. For what, I don't know. I was just talking to John on the net. I guess I just feel different. Like I'm too different from everyone around me. Like everything just seems a bit too foreign to me. Like I'm out of place here. I'm not really sure where here is. If it's just RIT, or if it's the whole planet. Or maybe it's the time period. Like there was a time that's past that I should be living in. I'm been playing Jimmy Buffett's "Souveniers" repeatedly. There's something about the song that just seems to touch me in some right spot. Nearly bringing me to tears now, almost like I'm mourning a better time passed. Maybe a less confusing time. I don't fit in. I'm too different. Everyone wants me to me socialble. I want to be alone most of the time. I'm gay. Although I'm not entirely sure about that anymore. It's almost like there's an unbearable amount of stress in just waking up in the morning. Trying to face the day and face everyone and try to act like I know where I fit in. I'm just so confused. I think I bring these depressions on myself. I just can't seem to stop thinking. I've always felt like a fool or an idiot. All my life I've been embarrassed in some way. I wet my pants half way though grade school. There were embarrassing things I did on the playground that I still can't work up the nerve to get out in writing. Then there was junior high. And I really started realising I was different. The way I found myself attracted to other boys. I've never been as quick at things as others have. I feel like I've been penalized for that all my life. I like to learn, but classes have always been a bit of a struggle. Couldn't answer the questions fast enough. Couldn't do the homework fast enough. It's all in the past, but it all comes back to haunt me. I feel like all this and more is bottled up inside me, building up, and if I don't find some way to let it all out, it's going to explode and kill me. Sometimes I really start to wonder if it worth it to keep going on. I don't know if I could bring myself to taking my own life. I think I'd have a better chance at running away from everything. Just head off to some wooded area and leave society altogether. "Souveniers" is still playing. Why does my life have to be so crummy. I want a new life. I want to start over again. Maybe if I just had someone to comfort me when I start to feel down. I never had that in my parents. Shrinks don't work. I think that's what I'm really looking for with Perette. Just that she cares about me is enough. I need something that I can be certain about. I need to know I can depend on her for some kind of assurance. I think I'm afraid of losing her. Because I need her. No one else can give me what she does. What she already has given me. I love her. And I'm afraid. There's nothing static in my life. Everything is changing. And faster than I can cope with it. It's like every day it's a new world. I want it to stop. I can't get motivated anymore. I could have gone to Physics today. I just looked at the clock and didn't move. Nothing's getting clearer. I think I've been hoping to sort things out here, but the more I write, the more I start thinking. Now someone in the room upstairs is pounding something on the floor. It's really driving me crazy. I don't know what it is. My thoughts are drifting now. I'm really feeling like I'm going to lose it. I need a constant. ARrrrrGGGGgggHHHHHH!!! I put my headphones on and still that pounding is coming through. I can't handle it. This is how far gone I am. Just something like that can drive me crazy. I can't take the pressure. Ok. I'm just not as good as everyone else. I'm going to wind up having a stroke or something. The stress is just too great for me to handle. I can't even take a break. I try, but I just can't rest for any amount of time. I'm always tired. And I'm just getting too stressed out. I know I'm heading for a breakdown. For all I know it could come tomorrow. I've just got too much work to do. I just can't see myself getting it all done. It's going to break me. I just know it. I have no money. I owe a ton of money for RIT. I can't just quit. Maybe that's all I can do, though. Maybe I should just head south. Far south. Like South America. I know some Spanish. Get a little bit of land somewhere far away for all this fast paced shit. Do some farming. Have a little house. Thoreau style house. Just enough to sleep in. Maybe a little more. Live off the land and forget about society.
Shit. I just saved this and it's almost 5k. Well, I guess I've got a lot to get out. I wrote a lot last night, too. I was going to start my Physics lab tonight. Best laid plans... I still have my teddy bear. He'll never leave me. I'm growing tired. I think I'll finish here for now. I know I'll have more later.
Buenos noches.
Charles is a very good friend. We were just talking for about an hour. I think it gave me more of a foothold on life. It made me feel more human. Things seem a little less alien. Good friends are hard to come by. I have found one.
Man I'm tired. And I've got a ton of work to do tomorrow. Today just kind of slid by. I didn't get much done. I think I'm going to be in danger of failing my Physics lab again. I've had a whole two weeks to do this formal report and I just started on it today. Barely. It's due on monday.
I can't seem to see a way to anywhere I'd like to be. I would love to work in music. I'd love to be a musician. People have told me to wait until after I graduate, and it kinda makes sense, but I'm afraid I'll graduate and get a job and I'll never have time to seriously pursue something musical. I think my mom told me once that my biological father was in a band or something. I think I have a fear that I'm going to end up living someone else's life and wake one morning to find that I'm already dead. I feel trapped. Like I don't like where I am, but I can't find any way out. It's not really that I don't like telecom. It's just that my heart's not in it. What can I do? Maybe I should let my heart rule my head. I'm just afraid of going blindly into the future, not knowing how I'd survive. Sometimes I really feel like dropping it all and just dedicating my life to music. Maybe it's because I find it's something I feel good at. Something I can be good at. Most of all, it's something I completely and ernestly love to do. I know, if I didn't have all this other work to labor over, I could spend hours on end at the piano. And when I was done, I'd pick up a guitar. After that, I'd put a CD on and go to sleep. And I don't think I'd ever tire of it. What am I to do? If I stay where I am I risk not letting a very important part of me grow; if I go after it I risk being completely broke, with no way even to feed myself. I can't seem to convince myself that either direction is the better one.
And the more time I spend thinking about these questions, the less time I spend doing my homework, and so I don't get particularly good grades and people think I'm not trying or there's something wrong with me. I feel like there's a part of me that's trapped, that can't be free in this situation I'm in right now. I feel trapped by the technology and by the mentality of those around me (in my major especially) who are always looking to find happiness at the top of some corporate ladder. I don't want to advance my career and all that. I want to advance myself. Some people look up to Bill Gates and all the other CEOs as icons of what they want their lives to be like. I look towards people like Robert Frost:
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I... I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference.
On the race to the top, I want to take a sharp turn off the track. Maybe people will think I'll never finish the race. That would be fine with me. I know I'll be farther ahead than anyone who passes the finish line. The difficult thing is to take that first turn. Generalised from alt.sex.fetish.diapers, knowing is one thing, actually doing it is another.
I'm always surprising myself with how much I write. I'm still tired and depressed. I think it's time for me to go to bed and hope that things will be a little bit clearer tomorrow. Or at least that I can concentrate on my Physics report.
This has been a busy and complicated few days. I spent all day on Sunday doing my formal lab report for Physics, only to find out Monday that it was due last week, when I had to miss the lab for the apartment signup. I had to make up that lab yesterday. Tonight I found out that Bi-GALA may actually go under, possibly taking Gay_Issues with it. In a flurry of typing I offered to moderate GI and found out that Greg had already offered. I offered to help revive Bi-GALA then. I'm not sure why, because I don't know how much I can really commit to it, so I'll probably get flamed for not keeping my promises, but oh well. I would like to help in some way. Well, I'll see what comes of it all.
Last night, though, was real nice. After class Perette and I went to the Ritz. We talked for a while and came back to my room. Then we ended up going for a walk through the quads and I waited for the escort van with her. I really love her. When we got back to my room, I played Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight". It was just perfect. We just layed on the bed an chatted. She tickled me. It was fun. She's afraid her tests she needs for the operation are going to come back negative. She said she was thinking of cutting her testicles off herself if she can't have the operation. I'm real worried that she would. I'm worried that she might hurt herself. That it might be fatal even. I couldn't stand to lose her. Not in that way. If she decided not to see me anymore, I think I could handle that, but if she died, I don't think I could take it. It would be hard to even know that she was hurting. I guess, though, that she's hurting right now. It must be like her body is haunting her. Why can't they just let her have the operation? Why can't they see that they're hurting her more by preventing it? What can I do to help her? I love her. I really do. I think I may love her more than I've loved anyone. I don't know what it is; why I fell in love with her. It seems to defy everything logical. I've never had so much concern for someone else. I don't know what she does for me. It must be some kind of magic--I can't figure it out. I really want those test to come back ok. I love her too much to think of her having to go though any more trauma than she has to.
I love you Perette.
Perette loves me. I know, down in her heart, she does love me. She's just very confused right now, and I can understand why. Her ex finally completely broke up with her which was like the last thing she could take. She doesn't know if she's going to be able to have her surgery this summer; she doesn't know where she's living this summer or even if she's going to have a job this summer. I don't blame her at all for being confused. I just want to be able to be right by her side to support her through these difficult times. Occasionally the though crosses my mind that it will be difficult to live through her confusion, but then I think about how tough it is for her to live through it. I don't know if I could have made it as far as she has if I were her. I just wish I knew what I could do to help her. Somehow I think it might be better for me to let her think through it herself, with be silently behind her, rather than actively trying to help her. Just to let her know that I'm here for her may prove to be all she needs. I was so glad I was there for her Friday night. I could tell she was really shaken up by that breakup and she needed my support. I wasn't doing anything important, but, I swear, I would have dropped anything I could have been doing just to be by her side in her time of need. I couldn't call myself her friend if I wouldn't have dropped everything. That's what friends are for. That's what true love is. Being willing to go out of your way to help someone. To care enough not to let that person down. I love Perette. That's why I would give anything to support her. That's about all I can say. I do love her very much.
I knew I shouldn't have become too attached to Perette. Now I'm afraid I might be losing her. I love her dearly. I don't regret falling in love with her, though. I guess I'm confused now. I'm still happy thinking about her, but I'm afraid that she'll be gone soon. I knew at the beginning of the quater that she would be graduating and I might never see her again, but, like a fool, I did fall in love with her. Fool I may be, but I'm satisfied just having known her. I just wish it could go on. I hope it can go on. It's not over yet. I'm just nervous not knowing how it will turn out. She says she doesn't want me to get hurt by getting involved with her. But it hurts more to not be involved with her. I'll always have memories of her. And the pacifier she bought me. "I wanted more than one until I found the one I wanted". Listening to "Souvenirs" repeat again. For some reason I feel like crying. I guess it's just all my mixed emotions surfacing. I slept in 'till after noon today and I hardly got any work done. I'm feeling like I should stay up all night to catch up on everything, but I'm tired. I want to go to sleep. I can't get Perette off my mind. I feel like writing her a love letter. I'm so shook up. I suppose maybe my rose tinted glasses have broken, and I see that everything's not so perfect. I want so much, though, to have the opportunity to make this relationship work. I don't know what to think right now. I suppose I should try to do some work, but I know she's going to be on my mind and I won't be able to stop thinking about her until I see her tomorrow night, and even then I'll continue to think about her. I'm just worried.
Suddenly I feel very alien. I feel alone and somehow very different from everyone around me. I'm beginning to feel like I'm a piece from a different puzzle trying to fit in to this one. I don't fit. Sometimes it even seems like I speak a different language. I just feel so different from everyone else that I'm beginning to feel like I'm not one of them. I feel I need Perette here by me. She's the only person I really feel in sync with. Everyone else--everywhere else--I feel out of step. Why am I here? Why was I put on this planet. Was it an accident? Was I supposed to be on a different planet? Or a different dimension or something? I can't figure it out. I can't figure out why I don't fit, and the confusion is just driving me crazy. My suicidal feelings started coming back tonight. Like I'm just beginning to give up the will to live. It's just so hard trying to get through life when you don't fit in. And it hurts. I really feel very alone. Because I'm so different. But I don't fit in with anyone else, it seems. I just don't think I can take this confusion much longer. The pain is getting too strong, and memories come back. Memories of being out of sync with the world. Whoever created me, please take be back. Put me where I belong. Where I fit in. I feel like I'm dying here. Dying of loneliness. Losing control.
Perette came by. When she walked in, I just broke down in tears. I was so confused and yet I was so happy that she was here when I needed her. She truly is a goddess if she can know to be here when I need her. She lifted my spirits up again. I'm a little less confused now.
Well, I feel much better now. I can tell Perette loves me, and she loves me the same way I love her. She does care for me. She's found an apartment in the area, and she would like to share it with me, since I told her how much I don't like going home. She told me about it yesterday, and the more I think about it, the more I think it would be the best thing for me to do. I think I've already made up my mind. The only thing I worry about is getting my parents to understand, because they are paying for RIT, and if I don't stay on good terms with them they could decide to stop paying for RIT. But, I'm beginning to think that this might be more important. In some ways I think I'm living in fear of them and the power they have over me because they're paying for college. I know I would have much more freedom if I shared this apartment with her. So I guess the only thing that's worrying me is the inevitable confrontation with my parents. I know the arguments they'll put forward. It's not practical, they'll say, because I should be saving my money for college. They'll probably claim that I'm running away from them, which I suppose is true. So, is it somehow wrong to want to run from that which is painful to bear. I think it is only a natural response. And Perette shows her love for me. She makes me feel like I'm someone special; someone important. My parents just make me feel like I'm in the way, and that's on good days. It just makes sense from an emotional perspective for me to do this. I have class in an hour and a half, and I think I'm going to tell her yes and then I can deal with whatever may come. I suppose there's some wisdom in that saying about crossing the bridge when you get there. I've made up my mind, and I feel I'm ready to deal with the consequenses with Perette by my side.
I suppose I should do some of my lab work now. I love Perette. I really want to spend this summer with her. I'm very afraid that if I don't I'll never see her again. I feel like we both need each other, and I want us to be together this summer. I love her.
I've needed this weekend for a long time. My parents went to Hanover for the weekend, so I was the only one in the house. It's been such a peaceful weekend. I think I've been able to get my head together a little bit. I still have a lot more to go, but at least things seem a little clearer. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do when I get my first 500 dollar paycheck in 3 weeks. I don't know if I should stay here or move out or move out for just a month or so. I don't really think I could come back if I moved out. That's why it's so hard to make up my mind. If I go, it seems I'm giving up college; but if I go, I'll gain some very much needed peace and quiet. Maybe it's a question of picking the lesser of two evils. Which will be worse: staying or leaving? It was a lot easier with Perette by my side. I knew there was someone there to support me in my move. Now I feel like I've lost my queen and I'm in check and mate in one. Is there something I'm not thinking of? Something that would make the answer clearer, simpler? Maybe it will make more sense later...
And, then I realized I was alone once again. And lonely. While getting my hair cut today, I noticed a boy waiting. He was about my age. I don't suppose I would have noticed normally, but he had an earring--and it was in his left ear. I now remember that it's the right ear that means you're gay. But he looked like he ahd the same kind of desire that I had. Our eyes made contact a number of times, and it seemed we both wanted to make a move to get to know each other better, but neither of us dared to. And I wanted him. I wanted to be with him. But I knew I could not. And it was shortly after that I started to realize that Perette and I are slowly drifting apart. And now I feel very lonely. Will I ever be able to find someone to be with? How can I bear this isolation? I can't keep the ones I love, and I can't get the ones I think I could have a chance with. It seems I can only find love for brief moments, and I can only get sex in public bathrooms. And I'm real lonely and real horny right now. Somehow I don't think my hand can provide the care that I need or the pleasure that I want. I guess I should just hang on in quiet desperation.
I'm feeling depressed again. Of course that's about the only time I write in this diary. There's a bunch of things getting at me right now, I suppose. My mom was over earlier this week to hang curtains and she started probing into my personal affairs, like my trip to Cleveland, and I could hear the judgements she was implying loud and clear. Unfortunatly I can believe she has the never to criticize me like that in my own home. I wish I didn't have to deal with her anymore. I wish we could just go our seperate ways once and for all.
Then there's all the work I have to do. I have a ton of lab reports to do for my classes and a 5 page report due this Thursday. I don't know how I'll ever get all that done. I suppose I'm afraid of failing. And I know I'll have to come up with some excuse to tell my parents if I do. And they'll want something good. So I'll have to lie, because I don't know. I so much want to ditch this town and all the problems that face me here.
And then there's my infatuation with this guy in my Electronics class, Ed. He's so good looking, and I'd like to get to know him, but I'm afraid to come on to him at all because I'm afraid that I'll embarrasse myself if I find out he's not gay. I sent him some e-mail via an anon remailer. I hope he doesn't... I don't really know what I hope. If he's not gay, I hope he doesn't figure out that I sent it. I have been giving him glances in class. He seems to have returned a few, so I don't know. If he is gay, I hope he figures out how to respond and I hope he's interested in getting to know me a little. Because I'm lonely. I need a friend. Someone who is close by, not hundreds of miles away where I can only send e-mail and occasionally talk on the phone. I guess that's why I'm depressed. I'm feeling isolated again. I don't have a roommate anymore. Perette is back in Connecticut. There's no one I can really be close with. It's like I back where there's no one who understands me anymore. I feel like I'm back on the outside looking in.
I feel isolated.
Can't get to sleep. Maybe it's the tea I drank. I kinda doubt it though. I just have too much on my mind. I'm afraid. Maybe it's that I'm afraid of tomorrow. I suppose that makes sense, thought. Since yesterday's tomorrow was shitty, and the day before that, and so on. Why would today's tomorrow be any different. I just feel like I've been put through more than anyone should ever be put through. My brain is mush, my heart is in knots, and my stomach is turning. And I don't know where I should be. I'm not always really sure where I am, even. I want to sleep, but I can't. I have class tomorrow morning. I don't want to miss it. I've got about 6 labs that I have to write reports for for that class. They're all late. I don't know what to do. I want to move somewhere. Or go driving. Do a lot of driving. Anywhere. I don't know where. Just away from here. Leave all my worries behind.
I need to cry. A lot. I have so much hurt and pain inside that wants to get out. Maybe I'll stop for now. Maybe the tears will come. I don't know.
I'm feeling very insecure right now. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that I can't see where I'm going to be three months from now. So I do this co-op. Then what? Right now seems to be almost perfect. I have a job. I have my own apartment. I have a chance to live *my* life the way I want to. This quarter was hell. Although I liked my classes an all, I just couldn't seem to get into them like I used to. I liked working this summer. When Spring quarter rolls around, will it be the same thing all over, like I'm not really interested in all the stuff I have to do to get my degree? I'm almost wondering if, after my co-op, I shouldn't just go out and find a permanent job. Every day I go without a roommate, I like living alone more and more. I'm not sure I want to give that up anymore. It's just real hard on me to live with another person all the time. And combining all that with all the stress of classes, I'm not sure I could make it through another quarter.
I can't get to sleep very well. I haven't been able to for the past few days. I think this stuff is part of the reason. I think I get depressed when things are going will because I know it's only for a short time, and then it's back to normal--which I hate. If I could somehow figure out how to make it last; and actually do what it takes to make it last, maybe I could feel real happy about it. I want so much to be in control of my life. That's the problem. Most of the time I'm not in control of my life. Other people are. Other people are controlling my life in all kinds of ways--sometimes overtly, and sometimes covertly. They tell me what to do and what I should do; always based on their assumptions of who I am, which are usually wrong.
I wonder if the tropics are really the way Jimmy Buffett describes them. I wonder if there really is a place where I can live a slower, more relaxed life. I feel like one day soon I'm going to start out to find that elusive Margaritaville. It seems like the only way to keep any shred of sanity.
I'm still as confused as always. Maybe one day it'll all become clear. For now, I think I'll just go to bed and see if I can cry a little be of the confusion away. I never get it all out.
I wish I had some kind of purge command for my brain. I've got so my shit in my head from the past that I can't get rid of, and it just bogs down my mind. All my negative emotions and everything. All my mistakes. Everytime I felt wronged, or that I felt someone thought I wronged them. Everytime I felt misunderstood. All this shit is stuck in my head and keeps coming back to haunt me and remind me. I want to get rid of it all and start over. Maybe that's why I want to go down south or somewhere far away. Just to go somewhere where no one knows me. But, in a way, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that all these memories will drag themselves along wherever I go.
I want to learn to sail. And I want to get my own sailboat. Then I could chart a course to somewhere distant, just to have some--to have a lot of time to myself, with no interruptions and no worries about what people will think of me. Where, out on the ocean, if I make a mistake, there'll be no one around to witness it or say anything. It would just be a mistake. One that I could correct and continue on. I'm only human. I'm bound to make mistakes. Why do they all have to come back and drag me down? I'm supposed to learn from my mistakes, but it seems like all I seem to have learned is that mistakes are bad. I feel like my whole life seems to be a game of catch-22. Like my life is a lose-lose situation. Somehow, I have to break out of all this and try to start anew. Should I just drop everything to do that? I want a second chance at my life. I shouldn't even be up this late. I just can't seem to think at all anymore. I want to go to sleep, but I want to go to sleep with a clear head, without all these things swiming around in my head. Am I destined/doomed to live this kind of cofusing life forever? No one is going to help me, either, because I don't trust most of the people who would offer to help, and besides, it's to tough for me to ask for help, anyway. And if I did, I just wind up with more memories that will bother me for all eternity. I sure hope there isn't a life after death, because then I'd have to live a whole other life lugging these memories around. I want to drop everything and go somewhere. Anywhere. Anyway. By boat or car. All by myself. No one to deal with. I've already said all of this. I'm starting to repeat myself. Maybe I'm losing my mind. I don't really know anymore. I just want to be able to relax, I guess. Get a good nights sleep. I don't know what I want. All I can do is guess. I don't know what's going to make me feel better. And that's what I really want. I think. Maybe I should just go to bed and try to sleep. I don't know what I should do. I'm about ready to give up. On what, I don't know. But I just feel like giving up.
I don't really know what I want to write this time. For some reason I just felt like writing. My mind is a bit of a blank and I can't seem to do anything today. I know I have to clean the kitchen again. But right now, everytime I walk in, I take one look and decide to put it off for a while longer. I don't know when my next paycheck is coming, but whenever it comes, it's already spent. I really need a good chunk of time away from everything, but I don't know where I can go or when I can go. I know I need to get away real soon. I have this empty feeling right now, like all my energy is spent. I've tried a number of things. I've started taking vitamins. I've turned my lights on brighter, but I still feel like shit.
Maybe I should try to make some kind of plan. Figure out where I want to be and figure out how I can get there. So, where do I want to be? I think I want to be somewhere in the Carribean area. Definitly somewhere where I can relax. Preferably somewhere where I don't have to work more than 20 hours a week for someone else. I want to be in charge of my life.
So, how do I get there? ...Still thinking... I guess I need to save up a large sum of money for starters. To do that, I guess I should try to spend less money. I probably ought to cancel my Columbia House membership for starters. And, as much as I don't want to, I should end my subscription to the BBC Music magazine. That would give me $6 a month more. That's $72 more a year. I really should seriously reduce the number of CDs I buy. If I could find a cheaper apartment, too, maybe I could knock off another $50-$100 a month. That would be at least another $600 a year. Save a lot of money from my work this quarter. Maybe $500 this quarter.
So, with this money, I need to learn to sail, buy a sloop, and once I have one or two thousand dollars, I should pack up and set sail out the St. Lawrence and down the east coast.
Now, if I can keep this plan in mind, perhaps I can follow it through. I'll probably suffer through Spring quarter classes, and maybe co-op over the summer to build up my money supply, and perhaps I'll be able to see this plan to completion. Let's see how things go this week.
I'm really beginning to wonder about Greg. Maybe I'm reading him wrong, but it seems like he's testing the water to see if he's ready to come out. At least that's how it seems to me. It could just be that I want him to be gay. I think, though, that if I asked him, perhaps in email, that he'd tell me the truth. I don't think he'd be offended or anything. I want to find out, because he's good looking and it seems like we could get along pretty well. I could be just dreaming. I don't know. I'm tired and I should go to bed.
I'm forgetting about my goals, too. I must remember to work toward that goal of finding my own Margaritaville. I'm feeling a bit depressed now. It's the confusion setting in again.