[ Previous Year ] [ Go to index page ] [ Next Year ]
Tonight I went to... I went with a sort-of friend, Peter, to a few porn shops. RCL was pretty nice, but the two other places we went to I felt a little out of place. We spent a dollar each on private booths. I got off watching the film. It was mildly fun, I suppose. He wanted to watch more, but I had grown tired of this kind of travel and returned us to RIT, to early for him. I don't really know what I want to say. I guess that kind of this isn't really for me. I'm a much quieter person, and a simple person, perhaps. I prefer more mental pleasures, such as Twain's "Following the Equator", which I am reading now. Quite a wonderful book, it makes me yearn to go on such a voyage. Or at least a voyage somewhere.
I'm tired but I can't seem to get to sleep.
Tonight was actually more exciting than I expected. John, Beth Brideau and I went out for ice cream, and I found out my "lil' sister" is gay, too. That was exciting. I guess it is a pretty small world. It made me happy. I'm tired now, though. Just felt like scribbling this down.
I seem to feel very depressed right now. I've been like this for the past few days and I can't seem to shake it. I guess some of it is re-accepting my ADD, but now I can't afford a doctor to treat me and maybe give me meds so I can focus more. I guess I could go with my parents' insurance, but I don't really want to discuss this with them yet.
I think some of it has to do with my job. Sometimes, I feel very insecure about my ability to do what's needed. My life seems a mess because my schedule's all screwed up. I still have to finish cleaning my kitchen. Sometimes I feel I can't do what Ray wants me to do. I just don't get enough positive feedback to know if I'm doing well or not. So, I start to get a feeling that I'm not living up to someone's expectations, either mine or their's. Sometimes I feel like maybe Paul made a mistake in suggesting that I was good enough.
I guess I'm just not ready for the real world. I don't know how to handle all these things. And now I'm really stressed out and I don't know where to go from here.
I want to go sailing again. I want to be able to go sailing and stay out as long as I like, maybe sail away and never come back. I don't know.
I guess I'm scared of the future, since I don't know what's happening. I wan't to know. I need to know, but I don't know. I need a good friend, maybe.
And I've got to get up in 4 hours. I don't know how I'll do it.