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My life has descened beyond blue, into Black. Pitch. Or is it a fiery, flaming red-orange as I walk through these burning fires of Hell. My own Hell here on Earth. And I feel there is no escape. And so on I go, burning but never dying.
I am sitting in the Chicago O'hare airport, sipping an excellent cup of mocha, and experiencing an extreme flashback. Sitting mearly ten feet from me is a man who looks almost identical to my ex-boyfriend. He has the same height, same blond hair, wears a striped shirt and jeans, and a denim cap. His smile is even the same broad smile. His mannerisms are the same. But he is a different man in a different place.
Well, I've made the decision. I'm leaving Nortel and going to LSI. It just seemed to be the right decision. I still don't know. I guess I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay. What I really want is to get myself even more into writing, but... I guess I'm a little afraid, since I don't really have a whole lot of confidence yet. The toughest thing seems to be when I get writer's block and I just don't know how to get past it. I know there's got to be a way. I just haven't been able to figure it out yet. And so I lose the precious little time I have struggling to get moving again, or leaving things 'till the next day. I'm just kinda frustrated. Maybe it's just because I can't see my future too clearly. Well, maybe things will work out. I kinda wish I could go back and have another try at my life. Of course I've been saying that for ages, and it's just not going to happen, is it? And my whole apartment is a fucking mess. If I could just get that under control I might feel more confident. Oh well... Guess I'll do a bit more on my web pages and then turn in for the night.
So now I'm stuck with a decision. Do I move in here? Or do I keep my own apartment? Is it fear that holds me back? Am I perhaps afraid of not being alone? Afraid because I'm not certain of the future? It is a hundred and fifty dollars cheaper. Doesn't that really fit into my plan of arranging things so I can work less and have more time to write?
Maybe this really is just a simple choice, but somehow I feel like it will have some cosmic or far reaching effect on the way my life progresses. Like this might be some turning point. Just the fact that the opportunity came to me seems to suggest some greater force at work. Maybe it's my god nudging me in the right direction.
Decided to move, then decided to stay. I suppose I'll never really know which was the right decision. I feel like I need my own space, or is it really that I just don't have the balls to try sharing the house with Rich? I just wish I had some clear sign of which way I should go.
I feel like shit right now. I don't know if I can keep doing Rocky for much longer. It's hot and humid tonight. I skipped out on the cast meeting. I'm a bit down right now. Guess I don't really know where I'm going, and I feel I'm going nowhere fast. I can't seem to think right now. I feel myself falling into that paralyzed state of mind, where I'm stuck and I can't work myself up to do anything. Which sucks.
It's gonna be another NIN night...
Been reading "Dancer From the Dance". Kinda depressing. Maybe it's me. I just feel like one of those people wandering through the crowds, desperately trying to find love. To find someone. Am I doomed to live my life alone? Being alone is now painful. And it makes it hard to do anything else well. And I still don't know if I made the right decision in not moving. And I'll probably never know. And I have no one. And I'm alone. And I'm scared. Scared that the pain will eat me up. Scared that I may not be lovable or capable. Scared that I'll have everything yet have nothing. Scared that I don't know where I'm going. Where are my friends? Do I have any? Or am I too afraid someone will take advantage of me that I never let anyone get close enough to find out if they're a friend.
All in all, a good day. Saw the Jazz Singer at the Dryden. Did coffee with Rich after at Java Joe's. Just kinda relaxed for a while. Decided I would try to ask Dave out. It just seems we might fit together well. I don't really know, but I'm willing to try. All I have to do now is follow through this weekend in Boston.
I've got to get back to doing more writing. I feel I'm starting to lose sight of my goals again.
Not much more to say tonight.
I'm feeling all knotted up inside. Feeling very lonely. Maybe desperate. Desperate for someone to love me, maybe. It seems I have no one. And it hurts so bad. If I just knew there was someone there. Someone who cared about me, maybe I could handle it better. But there isn't. Or I don't know it. And it's Monday tomorrow. And I don't want to get up and go to work. I will. I don't know why. I don't feel any motivation to do anything. I am not loved, therefore I must not be loveable? and not capable? Maybe. I just feel like I could throw up. Like there's some poison eating away at my insides and I just have to get it out. How can things seem to be going well and horrible at the same time? I feel like some part of me is dying, and I can't... Can't what? Stop it? Turn things around? Find someone? I feel spent. Used up. Wasted. And my apartment is a huge fucking mess. I guess I'll go to bed. I can't think of much else to do. My body aches. My mind aches. I want someone to be with.
Yesterday could be a red-letter day for me. Dave (whom I've been longing to go out with for ages it seems) called me up last night and invited me out for coffee. He was thinking about me. That must mean something. It at least means I'm happy now. Yahoo! I'm just elated and excited. And unfortunately I must work tomorrow. Almost feel like dancing.