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After eight years, I think I'm finally starting to accept that I have ADD. I don't want to be ADD, really. But I am. Now I just wish I knew how to deal with it. I've got a biggish project going at work, and I really hope I can see it through to completion. It's like so many failures have been built up over the past 25 years, that it just seems hard to imagine actually succeeding. I went to a meeting of GRADDA last week, and I'm going to start going to the support groups, but that's more than a week away. I don't know what to do now; and that's getting me down. If I don't get this project done by March, I think I'm going to look into trying meds again. And then there's my writing class. I haven't touched my novel since the class began, and I'm supposed to read this Thursday. But my mind's been on other things. Maybe I'm just worried; or scared; or anxious. I don't really know how to describe whatever it is I'm feeling.
My mind is drifting, and I've got to be driving to Buffalo tomorrow, so I really should be in bed now. I'm not really tired, though. Oh well, I guess that's the ADD life. I feel like I'm doomed to live a life of chaos.
I hate Valentine's day. It hurts knowing it's been another year alone. I've been thinking of going to Muthers tonight, but somehow I just can't work up the nerve to go out, since I'll probably wind up coming home alone again. Am I fated to live alone or something? I feel like such a failure. I know it has to do with ADD, but I just can't seem to get over what I haven't done. Kitchen's a mess, bathroom's a mess, the whole fucking appartment is a mess. And I'm alone, sitting in the middle of it all. And I'm frightened. Afraid that the rest of my life will be the same chaos that it's been. And that I'll always be alone.
[Music: Dire Straits]
Arghhh! My life is a mess. I've got to so some serious work on my ADD problems. It's quarter after one in the morning. Only a few hours past my bedtime, if I could actually set a time to go to bed. Chaos. Distractions. Mess. When will it end?
I still don't know how I manage to bounce back every time. Somehow I always rise back up. I'm already starting to feel a bit better. Maybe it's just knowing that I'm starting to deal with the ADD thing. Or is it Knopfler? Probably just my ADD mind skipping from one thing to another.
I just can't wait until the Wednesday GRADDA meeting and support group. I've got to get some ideas as to where to go now. I want to figure out what I can do now. Which reminds me that I wanted to send an email to Dick to check if my membership form was received.
And I really should be in bed AND sleeping.
God I feel like shit now. I called Perette up and invited her to a movie. We decided to meet for dinner at 6:20, so what did I set an alarm for? Fucking 6:40, so I was there at 7:20. Now I feel like a fool. Stupid. Why can't I get these things right? I just can't wait until tomorrow night. I don't want to feel this stupid.
[Music: Dr. John (Accentuate the Positive)]
I went to the GRADDA support group last night. It was great. I learned a lot, and started to learn some new strategies. I can't wait for the next meeting now. There's a talk coming up this Saturday that I'm going to go to.
Anyway, one strategy we came up with to try was to note the good things we've done and think about what was exciting about it to learn why we do some things and procrastinate on others. So, time to start making my list for today.
Just now I played around with the GIMP and learned how to create new layers (I asked Adam how to do that) and figured out how to save the image. I think I found it exciting because it was a new program and it was challenging to figure out how it works. It's also a graphic art program, so it let me be creative.
I started making a price list for the network map project (and only stopped because I had class). I was motivated by wanting to get the parts in so I could finish building the interface circuitry for the map. This project is exciting because it's a challenge.
Maybe challenge is one of the common things here. I like projects where I get to take stuff and put it together to build something that I can then say "I made this."
Other good things about today: I listened well enough in class that I was able to actually give some real feedback to one of the readings. I started getting things together for the Syracuse install. I was on time to class.
I guess that about filled up my day. It's kinda neat. I'm riding a high that feels like the first real high I've had in a while. And it feels like I might actually be able to keep it for a while. I'm feeling good.
But I do have work tomorrow, and want to be in before noon :-), so I'd better turn in RSN. It's kinda hard to sleep when I'm feeling so good.
[Music: Information Society]
These are the days I hate most. The days when I feel like just walking over to the window and jumping out. So I know I won't do it, it still feels the same. This job is turning more sour every day and I don't feel like I've got the energy to go out and do a job search. I'm not even sure what I want or what I can hope for in a job. I really want to find something that would move me away from the whole computer scene more, but I don't know if I can make a switch. I feel trapped. And I feel like a failure, even if it's only my expectations that I'm falling short of.
I'm feeling like my past is a blur and all I can see for my future is dark grey clouds. I can't think clearly. I'm not sure there was ever a time when I could.
[Music: none]
I crashed real hard last night, but I seem to be back up again. I should have expected it; I mean I can only expect to ride an emotional high for so long. I was hesitating at the last minute about doing the WXXI auction. I'm glad I went. It turned out to be pretty fun, and I ran into a few people I didn't expect to see there. I went out for dinner with Perette afterwards. I think I'm feeling a lot better now, but I sure feel ready for the weekend. I had a short talk with Rick this afternoon, and am a bit confused, but feeling a little better about my job situation. He tells me I don't need to work forty hours as long as I get the work done. Which is good in that I feel safe working less hours during my class, but still leaves me confused as to what exactly his expectations are for me. I guess we'll be starting another chapter on Monday.
[Music: Astor Piazzolla (Tango: Zero Hour)]
I think I could be falling in love again. I met this beautiful boy at Rocky tonight, and it feels like there's some kind of chemistry between us. Only one problem. He's only seventeen and a half. Damn those age of consent laws. So I'm torn between waiting until his birthday on November 13th and risk losing him or letting things flow and ignoring the law-abiding citizen in me. We did kiss. I'm happy and hopeful. I was thinking of taking him to Montreal with me on the fourth, but he's going to be out of town already. Well, maybe it'll give us time to develop a relationship first. I do feel good around him. Somehow I think he could be the one. It's about time.
I've just crashed hard the second time this week. "Suicide is Painless" kept going through my mind all day today and then I came home and cut all my communications. Incommunicado. Ran through NIN, The Wall, and Radio KAOS. Cried. Scared because I'm starting to feel capable of killing myself. Before I never felt like I could actually do it. Now that I think I could, I'm scared. Now, no music on. Just my oil lamp burning. Something relaxing about the flame.
I feel like the whole world is collapsing around me and upon me. I feel like I've taken on way too much and I don't know how to back out of anything gracefully. I feel lost at work. I've got a side project for Nortel, Rocky, a paper due in a week for class, a mess of an apartment, and I feel totally helpless and paralyzed just thinking about it all.
I really hate the way Rick makes everything into a contest. And I really hate it when he claims to think of me as a friend more than an employee. Friends care about each other. I don't feel like he cares at all about me. I don't even know why he asked me to come back.
I need help. I just don't know where to go or how I'll afford it. I'm scared. I need someone to help me. I feel like I have no one. I'm lost. I'm still incommunicado, including my computer. I have no idea when I'll open up again. I'm afraid when I do, I'll get buried again. So for now I'm sitting in my apartment bunker.
There was a time, I think, when I actually cared about things. Now I'm not sure if there's anything I care about
I sit at my table
And wage war on myself.
It seems like it's all
It's all for nothing.
--R.E.M.
I'm feeling pretty shitty right now. Hell, it's 2:30 and I'm supposed to be in the office by 10:30 at the latest. Just spent the night spying on a neighboring apartment through the window and then reading some porn newsgroups.
I need to get my life together, somehow. But it seems all I can do it get upset at myself and angry at myself and... Well, I guess that's what the R.E.M. quote is all about.
Why do I do the things I do? Why do I feel so incapable of change? Why am I still awake? Why is my apartment a mess again? Why do I feel like I'm stuck in a downward spiral? At least I haven't been feeling suicidal this time around. At least not yet. I can't even seem to get my thoughts and fears and feelings into words. I really could use a good friend. Maybe I should make that post to wny.motss.
I feel very very confused right now and I don't know why. I suppose if i did know why I probably wouldn't be so confused. I'm sitting in my bedroom on a Sunday night with only an oil lamp for light. I didn't feel like turning on the regular lites.
I don't feel ready for the new week. I feel like I don't know where I'm going. I'm afraid. Afraid of what I don't know. Afraid I don't have the energy for the new week. I've felt lethargic the whole weekend. I want to cry but I don't know why.
I'm tired. I can't wait for my Thursday appointment with Dr. Kumatat. I need to figure out what's wrong with me and if it's just the ADD or if there's something else and mostly just to find a way to make things better.