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I'm feeling angry. Angry at my ADD. I was feeling angry before, but I didn't really know why, and I still don't know why. I know I felt like crying, and I felt finally like writing in my journal again. And I started getting angry because I didn't know where I had put it, and I started getting angry at my disorganization. And then by luck I found it on my keyboard covered with papers.
I wish I had some idea of what I want to, or need to, write, but now my sudden anger at myself has made it hard to think.
My emotions are just wild. I don't understand them at all. I don't know what they're trying to tell me. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Like there's no real point in trying. Like people seem to make me feel like I need to be independent, but I don't feel capable of taking care of myself.
How do you write down thoughts when you have so many and they are spinning around inside like a hurricaine?
Just loaded with anger. Nothing specific that I can point to and say I'm angry with. Maybe my lost potential. Yeah, that may be it. What I could have been.
I want to cry. I want to know why I want to cry. I want to be sane. normal. capable. I want to feel capable. I don't want to feel like a failure anymore. I want to find some kind of peace. I want to not have ADD.
God, please help me. Calm me. Quiet my mind. Help me think clearly.
I need to think some about simplifying my life. I think I've let my life get to complicated. I also think I just wrote that because couldn't really think of what I meant to say. Call it scrambled brain syndrome.
I'm at the beach right now. It's almost completely dark now, and the stars are amazing.
Sometimes I wonder if even my house in an unnecesary burden. Maybe I would be better off renting it out and scaling things down a bit.
Simplify the details of our lives.
I suppose I had better head home as its finally fully night now.
I had my intake appointment at Strong today for the partial hospitalization program. About a month ago I had what I could only describe as a nervous breakdown. I felk so out of control. I was scared. I still am. I've been nearly paralyzed emotionally since then.
Anyway, I start the program on Monday. I'm scared. And angry. I'm scared because I don't know what is going to happen next week while I'm there. I'm afraid of finding out stuff about myself. I think I'm mostly afraid it won't work out, and I don't know what to do then. I think I'm afraid of myself.
And I'm angry. Angry that it's taken fifteen years to get to this. And angry that I'm here at all. Angry that no one's taken the time to help me before it got this far. I'm angry at everyone who thought the problems would just go away if they gave me enough drugs.
And I guess I'm sad. I never say this in my future. I'm not prepared to deal with being mentally ill. Those words scare me. But it's like it's so bad I don't really recognize myself. I feel like some stranger. I don't know who I am. And that's what really scares me. Not knowing this person whose taken over and ruined my life. I want myself back.
My day went pretty well today, but I still feel sad. Maybe because I didn't really do anything; things just happened. Or maybe I've simply forgotten what feeling happy feels like, so I may be happy and don't know it. That just seems like a strange idea. But I'm not sure I can really remember what it feels like to be happy, or glad, or satisfied.
And it's not really true that I didn't do anything today. I did call my mom. I don't remember ever doing that. I rarely try to make contact with people at all, so I guess the fact that I picked up the phone just to talk is a good sign.
I still feel a bit of anxiety about starting the program on Monday. Maybe it's just the new experience, but I also think I'm a little scared of the intensity. I'm scared of finally seeing myself and not liking what I see. These next two days of waiting are going to be tough.
I'm very thankful for Michelle. She has been more helpful to me than any of the professionals I've been seeing so far. She listens. And she understands. And I really feel like she cares.
Tomorrow is the big day. I'm both excited and nervous about it. I'm happy because I'm finally going to get the help I think I need after probably a good fifteen years. I'm nervous about what I may find out about myself and how I'll react to the new situation. And I guess I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it all. And I'm still angry that it's taken so long to get here.
I didn't write after the concert last night because I was too upset. It was good up until I make a mistake and Glen snapped at me and pushed me. I don't really want to describe the whole think except that I didn't feel safe, and I had even thought about walking out. When I talked to him after, he apologized, but I feel like the damage has been done. I feel very angry. I didn't stay to tear down, because I just wanted to get away from there. Hopefully I'll start learning how to deal with these situations tomorrow.
Well, I feel like I'm fitting in pretty well. Only one group so far, which seemed to go well, although I still don't feel like I know all the rules and stuff. I got talked into playing "Wallyball" during the activity hour, which I had a lot of fun doing. It's basically vollyball with fairly loose rules.
Well, it's about time for the next group.
The rest of today went well. I had the goal setting group and another one which helped get us thinking about how to take care of ourselves after leaving the program. I was thinking about the activity group just now, and I thought I would love to try something expressive like art or something--maybe drawing--but I'm too scared to try. I talked to Margie about that tonight--about regaining my creative side. She also helped me get together a list of things I want to talk to my therapist about tomorrow. I talked to my mom this evening, too. She still doesn't understand that I sometimes just need to talk about what I'm going through and how I feel without necessarily wanting advice. I know I feel better if I talk about things, and I feel worse if I don't or can't.
I wish I knew what happened to make me this way, and what I need to do to get back to good again. I've just waited so long and I still haven't found the answers I need. I'm getting a scared moment again. I want someone to take care of me, but at the same time I want my independence, too.
Maybe the smartest thing to do is to just let tomorrow come without worrying too much about it.
I just got a perscription for Wellbutrin. I'm a bit apprehensive about starting a new med. I'm just not sure how it will affect me. I don't want to end up with bad side effects that will make me feel worse. I want my creativity, my passion, my muse, back. And I'm afraid that these drugs will keep me farther away from that.
Well, I talked to a lot of people since getting the perscription. I think I've decided to wait a day or two before starting it. It's the only way I'll really know if I need it or not. I just feel like if I listen to the other people who are telling me to take it, I'll be stuck taking drugs for life. And every time I go off one of these drugs I've been worse that before I started.
Other than the concern about the meds, I actually feel pretty good. Now that I have a network of friends I can talk to.
I have actually had a good day overall. My groups went well in the afternoon. I learned, and I hope I remember, that I need to make time to have fun with people, so I don't get too focused on my problems. We played Pictionary in the last group, which was when I learned the importance of playing.
I had some semblance of a decent meal tonight--a salad and rice. Not a lot, but better than nothing, which is what I had many times before. I took care of some computer work, and then went shopping for food for lunch and ingredients for the bedtime drink Jackie told me about, which was warm milk, honey, vanilla and nutmeg. I got a little frustrated trying to find the vanilla, but I was able to stay calm and eventually found it.
I watched one episode of Absolutely Fabulous when I got home, and made the warm milk and just relaxed. I had planned to do some reading tonight, but that's alright.
Maybe some of the structure of the program will start getting integrated into me, so it will be there after I leave the program. I think writing about it will help reinforce that as well. I can already hear Mary's voice asking "What one thing will you do tonight to relax?" And I'm beginning to feel like I could make a habit out of calling friends just to talk, or when I need someone to talk to about how I'm feeling or stuff.
I don't think I've felt this genuinely happy for years. I almost feel tears of joy coming on after that statement. I am happy, and I'm not happy because I'm high or anything, either. Genuine, undeniable happiness.
I managed to tell Dr. Bottros that I needed to see her, but she told me she was booked today. She didn't even seem willing to give me just a few minutes today. To be perfectly honest, it doesn't make me feel confident, or even safe about starting new drugs. What happens if I have a problem with it and I can't see her? Overall, I don't feel like I can depend on her.
Well, miracles do happen. As soon as I finished writing this morning, Dr. Bottros called me i, and we discussed my decision about my meds. I'm not starting the Wellbutrin, at least for now, and I'm starting the Ritalin again. I'm going to start at 10mg in the morning and the afternoon.
We had really helpful groups this afternoon. We had a different leader, Oral, for the 1:00 groups, but Mary was back for the last one. The last one was especially helpful. It got us--or at least me--thinking about the parts of our minds; our reasoning mind, our emotional mind, and the two combined to form the wise mind. Zen came up briefly.
I didn't do anything specatular this evening, but I have done what I needed to do to take care of myself. It is so nice to have some structure back in my life again. I feel like my identity is coming back, and I think I even heard my muse stirring, so my creativity might be on it's way back. That would be nice after all this time.
I feel very relieved and calm now. Serene maybe. I'm actually smiling and it's hard to not smile. It just gets bigger. People like me; they care about me. I feel important. Happy.
I'm not feeling very well right now. My day at Strong was good, but now I feel upset, angry, and agitated. Maybe it's just anxiety over having such a large block of unstructured time this weekend. I'm already beginning to miss the program.
I guess I'm angry with the whole psychiatry profession. It seems they are always making snap judgements and quick diagnoses and prescribing pills before they could possibly have even most of the facts. It seems nothing they do is very objective or scientific.
I hope I feel better tomorrow. I really don't want to go on antidepressents. I don't want to be stuck taking pills all my life. I just want to be myself again, whoever I am. And I want someone I can trust when I ask them to help me. I want to know what's really wrong with me.
My day went well for the most part. I helped set up someone's computer in the morning and had Perette and Matt over for the last cookout of the year. I finally got this one computer working again.
I think my day stopped going well when I ran out of structure. I started to feel... I don't really know how I was feeling. Sort of drifting, detached. Then I finally started reading more from Driven to Distraction, and I started to feel down, and angry, and just generally emotionally agitated. Started thinking about my distrust and lack of confidence in psychiatry, and everything I was feeling last night. I wish more people would see my ADD and give me the help I really need instead of what they think I need because all they're seeing is the depression or the anxiety or the whatever else that shows up because my ADD is ignored. At least I seem to be getting a little more of my old resiliance back again. That's good. I really think the Paxil was ruining my life without me even realising it. Thankfully it looks like my brain and mind can heal, but I have a feeling it is going to take some time.
I finally finished with that computer I was fixing and returned it. I'm glad to finally have finished that project. I even started typing up the grocery list template I've been using, and managed to keep working on that without letting myself get distracted, except by the need to make dinner. I think things are starting to come together again, although I know there's a lot more work to be done.
My thoughts are kinda scattered right now. It's hard to get any one thought out on paper in any sort of linear form right now. I want to call Jackie tomorrow and see about starting Tai Chi. I want to see if that will help me focus better and maybe even restore my creative energies.
Well, tomorrow starts week two of treatment. I'm looking forward to it, I guess. I need that external structure. It helps a lot. I'm afraid I think. I don't know what will happen when I'm on my own again. Will I be able to handle it? Will I find myself back in a few months? I'm wondering if I might actually need some kind of supported or assisted living environment. I actually don't feel comfortable living by myself anymore. It just feels like it makes it too easy to get into a bad state and stay there. And I just seem to have too much on my mind, and too many things to do. I've never really felt like I could take care of all the areas of my life at the same time. It's like I seem to be doing fine with the program to take care of most of my schedule and such, but I'm not really sure I can make it in the real world.
It's nearly eleven now, and I have to get up tomorrow and hopefully make a lunch since I didn't do it tonight. And I'm tired. Writing this much about my feelings is really draining.
I don't feel much like writing tonight because I feel pretty good and so I don't really know what to write about. I always seem to write when something is troubling me. I guess I can start with how my day went. I did remember to make my lunch this morning. I actually go to Strong a bit early today, which was a nice change. I had a fun time again playing wallyball. I had some nice conversations with some of the other patients at lunch and during some of the breaks. I had a good meeting with Beth. I don't know why, but I can't seem to recall any specific things that made it good; I just feel like it was. I had to have a rest when I got home since I had a headache. But once that passed, I finally painted the new shingles I put on the front of the house a month ago. I then finished my grocery list template, had my coaching with Margie, and made up my shopping list for tomorrow.
I feel good, but maybe a little uneasy, like this is a calm before a storm. Good feelings just never seem to last. And I don't really know why. Oh, well, at least I'm alright for now.
It's past my bedtime, but I felt I had to write something. When I got home tonight I just started to feel real depressed. I started to think that I might really need to take the Wellbutrin and then I really go scared and started to fall apart. Somehow though, I was able to get to the phone and call Jackie and I was able to talk things through with her. I don't know how much better I feel, but I do feel a lot more stable. I've got some notes made for my appointment with Dr. Bottros tomorrow. I think I can make it now.
I started taking the Wellbutrin today. I feel defeated. Mental illness sucks. This isn't how I envisioned my life. I feel like a total failure. I sure hope taking the meds will help. At least I feel better than yesterday. I called Michelle and Jackie tonight. That was good. But I still feel so weak, so drained. I just don't want to have to go through this. I guess I'll just have to give it a few days at least.
I'm still not really back to feeling good, but I think I'm doing a little better. I actually got an idea for a story this evening, and I felt really great since I had been hoping my muse would visit me again. But I'm still pretty drained emotionally since Tuesday. And then my mom called and although it seemed like a good conversation, I just felt worse afterwards. Maybe the Wellbutrin is starting to work though, since I at least haven't crashed like I might expect. I think it was when I started thinking about whether I could ever be able to support myself and be able to take care of myself at the same time. It seems like I'm fine when I can not think about things.
I don't feel like writing tonight. I'm not even really sure how I feel right now. I feel like I might be happy, and have every reason to be happy, but I still feel like I'm depressed. How can I be happy and depressed at the same time?
Today was a pretty good day. Jackie took me to the T'ai Chi Center in the morning, and we had a chance to talk after. I had a small computer job in the afternoon. My evening was pretty much unstructured, but I think I was able to make good use of the time and keep some kind of balance. I put stuff into Quicken so I know how much money I have, and I'm better off than I thought. I had dinner, and watched some TV. I started putting my Geva schedule into Act, and found that the run doesn't look as bad as I thought. I'll have Tuesday's free from late afternoon on as well as Mondays. Friday mornings are also free.
See, I feel good, but there's still this nagging feeling of depression looming overhead, like something could go wrong at any minute, or there's something I'm forgetting. It's like the depression is just a wrong emotion that doesn't belong. Maybe it's just that I'm happy but not euphoric; not off-the-wall happy. And maybe I'm not used to that emotional state.
At least I seem to be doing better at keeping my focus on today and what I can do today instead of worrying as much about the future. I guess maybe I am starting to get better. And I guess that is a good feeling for a change.
I feel good now, and I felt good yesterday. I think the me I used to know is coming back. I feel stronger. I'm not euphoric, and I think that's probably a good thing, since that never seems to last very long before I crash. I feel more confidence in my ability to handle the tough parts without letting myself fall too far down. I'm getting better. I can feel it this time. The Wellbutrin is helping, I can tell, but it's not just that. I feel more connected. I even feel like I'm feeling more. I'm actually letting things affect me without overwhelming me. And good things are happening. Margie's old housemate is going to be renting my spare room, which will give me some moch needed income. I met with Michelle's therapist, Tom, yesterday and I think he may work well for me. I've go things lined up for when I leave the program. Things are getting better. :-)
Well, I'm done with the partial hospitalization program at Strong. I'm really going to miss everyone there. I don't know where I would be without them. I'm a bit anxious about leaving that kind of structured and safe environment. I don't think I've felt that safe in my life. There was just a calm that came over me as I reached the elevators. I've learned so much from everyone. I wish them all the best of luch and a speedy recovery. And I can't forget Bill and Mary and Beth and Melissa and Dr. Bottros and Esta and everyone else who took such an interest in my welfare and safety and recovery, and belived in me. The tears are starting to come. I know I won't feel this way for long, but I'm so grateful for what they gave me that I can't help but cry. They gave me my life back. They made me want to live again. Thanks.
One more day of tech for Carol. I think I'll be able to make it alright, although I don't think I'll have many more fantasies about working on Broadway. I don't think the stress of tech week is very good for me. As much as I like all the people I'm working with, I don't think I'd do it again.
I seem to be maintaining my sanity through the whole process, so I guess that's a good sign. I am eager for the start of Transitions on Monday, and Tai Chi.
Once the show opens, I should do fine, and I should be able to start getting my life more back together again. Just one more day to go, and then the hard work is over, I think. I hope.
Thanksgiving day today. I suppose I have plenty to give thanks for. For Michelle, for everyone at Strong, for the strength to make it through tech week so far. For being able to make it through this depression. For my breakdown which was probably a blessing in disguise.
I do wish Carol was over, though. It seems like it has created more stress than is probably good for me. I'm sure it will be better once we're actually in the run, but right now, it's a lot of stress with very little chance to relieve the stress.
I'm tired, and a bit depressed. It's like anything I do for work that I used to like I end up hating. I loved working with computers until I started doing it for aliving; now the same thing seems to have happened with theatre. I'm having trouble seeing how I can work enough to live and be able to take care of myself, too. I'm afraind I might end up being unemployable. I'm afraid of being a failure.
I finished with Dan on Monday. I don't really like it when things end. It's like part of my life is over and I can't go back to the comfort of the way I was before. I think I'm afraid of making a decision because it might be the wrong decision--a mistake, and I'm afraid of making mistakes because I've been looked down upon so negatively when I've make mistakes in the past. Or maybe it's just the normal mourning process, since it is the end of a pretty long relationship.
I'm also a bit sad because I'm still worried about whenter I can support myself and take care of myself at the same time or not. I'm already starting to think about January. I probably shouldn't, since it's four weeks away, but I'm looking and I'm not seeing any source of income, at least beyond John's rent. And I'm feeling less and less desire to work with computers.
I feel very fragile, and I feel like tech week as shaken me up a little too much. At least I have the Transitions group tomorrow. That should help, I hope.
I had a bit of an emotional roller-coaster this weekend, but I'm feeling pretty good now. I started out okay on Saturday morning and then by the end of the second show I was feeling lousy. I woke up Sonday morning slightly better--not good, but not really bad either--and was back down by Act II of the first show. Then I did my Tai Chi practice before the second show and wound up feeling better than I had the whole weekend.
I talked with Jackie for a while last night. Today I actually did a fair amount of stuff. I called New Directions and got a tour scheduled for Friday. I tried to call VESID again to make my appointment with my counselor. I had my Transitions group. I finally deposited two checks I've had for about a month now. I got the stuff I need to make a light box, since I think I may be a bit light-deprived with the theatre and the dark days of winter. We'll see how that works. I had my Tai Chi class and my coaching group tonight, and I've finally actually wrote in my journal, which I've been meaning to do for at least a week. And I'm listening to some good advice I got about writing. I'm not writing just out of misery. And I'm remembering the good things and my emotional state.
It's nice to be back on top again.
Well, I've had two good days, yesterday and today. I've been feeling pretty stable emotionally, and I've been pretty good about taking care of myself. Last night I went grocery shopping, even though I didn't really feel like it. I also did my sales tax return and got it in the mail.
Today, between performances, I made a nice lunch, paid a bill--it was late, but better late than never--and took a nice long bubble bath.
I've been doing the 15 healing therapies and the Tai Chi before the performances, and that seems to be helping a bit. I feel a lot more calm and more focused and relaxed. Let's see how long I can keep doing it. Hopefully through the end of the run. That's sixteen more performances. Wow. Just over a week and a half left. And I remember feeling like I couldn't do it. I'm surprised at how much more confidence I have now. And I really feel good.
Thirteen more performances left. I started feeling a little down last night, and even a bit worse doring the show today, but I had the idea to drop by Blackfriars and see if anyone was going out after the show. So, Jackies, Ted, Ron and I went out for a drink and a bite and chatted for a while and I feel a whole lot better now.
I got to have a tour of New Directions this afternoon and it looks like there are plenty of things for me to participate in there. I have an appointment with VESID in January.
When I went grocery shopping, I bought a few cards to send out for Christmas. I can't remember ever doing that before.
Things seem to be looking better; still a bit rough at times, but better.
Last entry for this volume and this year. What a year it was. Started unemployed, started a business, struggled, had a breakdown, got help, got and finished a job at Geva. I do feel like I'm ending this year better than I started it.
I did have a rough few days this past week, but I pulled through pretty well. I bought a new journal, my third volume. I went to Margie's party last night.
I woke up late this morning. I wrote my last dream in my dream journal, read a bit, and then started my morning around 11:00. Ironed a shirt, decided to make pancakes, found a recipe on the net and started making them around 1:00. After "breakfast", I went upstairs and surfed a little and started reading some more afround 2:00. My pilot reminded me of the New Directions creative writing class at 3:00, but that was too late for me to get there, so I read some more, then got my room cleaned up a bit. Now it's about time for me to go to Blackfriars and help with the New Years Even shows.
So ends volume two and 2002.