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The new year has begun. I had a nice time at the theatre last night. I slept in until about 11:00 this morning. Once I finally did get up and dressed, John and I went next door to Diane's for her New Year's day breakfast. We talked for a few hours and I had a really enjoyable time.
I spent some time composing at my keyboard this afternoon while fielding a few service calls, including N. from the partial program. I watched a little TV on my computer.
Then, this evening I did something bad. I fed my addiction instead of myself. I didn't feel very good about that. I was actually surfing while I was talking to my mom on the phone. But anyway, I bounced back and finally, around 8:30, I made it down to make some dinner, thought I didn't feel very hungry. Maybe I'm a bit depressed today, though I feel okay.
I did a little fiddling with stuff in the basement, and finally came up to go to bed.
I think I feel kind of good right now. Not real good, just kinda good. Maybe about a six. I've got some stuff planned for the rest of the week, and I think I can make time for myself, too. I need to make sure I don't lose sight of the things I learned while in partial, like eating right, exercising, and just plain being nice to myself. To that end, I've started reading a good book called 7 simple steps to unclutter your life. If I can put just a few of the ideas and tips into practice I should feel better.
Well, I intended to go to bed an hour ago, and it's 12:30 now, so I'll stop here.
Today was a rough day. I woke up feeling okay, but then I got a phone call from a customer I had forgotten about that I had scheduled for this morning. I felt lousy after that. Even though I tried hard not to let it, it colored my whole day, at least until Tai Chi when I was able to let go of things for a while.
I'm feeling a bit better now, but there's still a whole lot of things I need to take care of, and it's feeling a bit overwhelming. The money problems seem to be the biggest concern. I just don't feel like I can see a way to some kind of financial stability.
I'm also a bit upset that I still seem able to write in my journal only when I'm feeling depressed. I've had nearly two full weeks of feeling good and never bothered to write anything about it. I went to the New Directions Creative Writing group and actually started writing. I got my Psych textbook last week, and I'm really excited about the class.
I guess I'm pretty much okay, just a bit shaken up from today. I've got some things to do tomorrow and I'm sure I'll feel better then.
I just experienced a train of automatic thinking that I thought might be useful to record and maybe discuss with Peter, especially since it relates to my fears of thinking too much about what people say in group.
I'm not real sure what my thinking was before this, but I started thinking about the... I do know what keyed the whole thing: John watching a movie he rented. That made me think Blockbuster, which in turn made me think about the guy at GRADDA who was talking about hostile takeovers (and mentioned Blockbuster). Then I thought about the attitudes he has to deal with in that situation, working with people who know they're losing their jobs. Then I recalled when I lost my job and how I felt, and started playing variations on the conversations in my mind and then the anger came flooding back. It was only then that I actually caught my automatic thinking and was able to arrest it before it got me too upset. I had a hard time after remembering what caused me to recall that memory, but I was finally able to trace it back and record it. Hopefully I can analyze this and figure out what caused it and how to change the pattern.
Tonight was not fun. I came closer than I ever have to attempting suicide. I acutally touched my pocket knife to my wrist. I was so scared. I didn't really want to, but I so wanted the pain to end.
What started it was when I had a terrible row with my mom on Saturday. It just caused my bubble to burst and the reality of my situation came crashing in on me. I went to the MHA drop in center that night, and I'm feeling a little better, but I still feel so desperate to have things sorted out in some way, to have some kind of meaningful success in my life, to feel like I'm not going to have to fight this illness so much and so much on my own.
I don't really know what to do now. I've always felt safe believing that I couldn't actually kill myself, but I feel like I came way too close tonight. I don't want to die. But I don't want to keep dealing with all this.
I'm waiting for the new skills group to begin. I'm feeling a whole lot better since yoga last night. The last--shavas--pose really let me let go of everything. I feel a whole lot safer now. It also looks like it's going to be a nice day, too. The sun is out. I could have missed all of this. Now I feel glad that I didn't kill myself.
Terrible. Fucking terrible. I wish I could completely erase this day. I woke up feeling a bit down and just kept on falling. I got myself stuck--frozen--for a while. When I finally got myself unstuck, I went out only to find my car broken into. That wrecked the plans I struggled to make for the afternoon and probably helped cause my big fuck-up this evening. ... And I skipped GRADDA to do it. It's like I'm trying to sabatoge myself and my plans. ... I'm feeling desperate. I want something that will stop this addiction. I don't care if they have to fry my brain with ECT of cut my nuts off. I just want it out of my life. I don't want to live in fear anymore. I don't want to live two lives anymore. When I signed up for that site it was like I was watching myself, saying I knew I would regret it, but I wasn't in control. Something else was. It's like it just took over my body and left me to watch. I'll do anything to get rid of this.
I wonder if part of the reason for my anxiety and feeling overwhelmed is that, because of my ADD, I'm afraid that if I don't think about something I will forget about it. So I keep thinking about all these things because I don't trust myself to have a way to remember or keep track of them.
I am more convinced that I've ever been about anything that human services is where I am supposed to be. I went over to fix Virginia's computer tonight and I think I did better at helping her than I did at fixing the computer.
I've decided to apply to MCC for the human services program. I'm going to put the application in on Friday unless my VESID counselor raised any serious objections. I know more every day that this is where I'm meant to me.
Lets hear it for ultraviolence against computers. The hard drive on my windows machine crashes, so I let all hell loose on a computer headed for the trash and got a 3" scrape on my right hand. It hurts. My hand is wrapped up now. Why do I do things like this?
It's a pain to write left handed.
I feel like my symptoms are coming back. And I feel a bit like Rainman; I felt like I couldn't write in my journal unless I could find my fountain pen. I finally gave up looking for it and resorted to a quill. That just doesn't seem right. And I stayed in bed until almost noon. And I'm procrastinating on getting a new housemate. I just feel like my symptoms are returning full force. And that obsession over a pen worries me.
Well, I have my pen back, so I don't have to panic like I did on Monday. And my writing will be a bit more legible.
I think I have a little insight into my current depression. I look around my house, and it's a mess. Nothing new there, but now I know I can get it clean, so it's the fact that I don't that's depressing.
Also, and maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here, after my Rain Man episode Monday, I started searching the net and found something called Asperger Syndrome which seems to describe me pretty well. It's a very mild kind of autism. I don't know, maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions. I just wish someone would take the time to really study my problems and figure out exactly what's wrong with me and figure out how to fix it. I'm tired of guessing and hoping and not understanding.
I was just thinking, "I want to be normal, even for a little while." I guess I have been, or at least close to, for the past few months, but there's always the feeling that something is wrong.
I'm really tired of not feeling like I fit it. I can't make friends. I can't keep friends. I am lonely. But I just don't seem capable of maintaining any kind of social life.
Well, I see Peter tomorrow. Hopefully that will help.
I can't sleep. Too much going through my head. Getting involved in things at church I'd like to just forget. Thinking more about Asperger's syndrome. Thinking how easy it is for something to upset the delicate balance of my life.
I've been rereading a description of Asperger's I found on the net and it seems to fit me nearly perfectly. Socially "out of context" is one part of the description. That's usually how I feel. "Difficulty in initiating and sustaining a conversation." That's me. And even more me: "Language is not really used for socal 'chat' but rather as a means to a particular concrete end." I never call just to chat. I always need a reason to call someone--I have to want something from them. That's probably a good reason I can't keep friends; I seem uninterested in them, but it's not that way at all. I just don't seem to think about calling people at all.
I think one thing that really gets me is that people I've brought this concern to--Peter and my mom--almost immediately rejected the notion, assuming that I can't have Asperger's because they think it's the same as autism and I don't usually act like a severe autistic so I must be wrong. If only someone was at least willing to consider it and look at the evidence, maybe I could find some answers. Maybe I could begin to understand myself better.
I'm just really upset and confused.
I just started shaking my head back and forth, thinking. I don't have any idea why. Just very repetitive, kind of helps keep me calm, I suppose.
Maybe I'm just trying to fit the symptoms to fit the diagnosis, but I don't think that's the case.
And why is it that I can't seem to write tonight? The words seem to come out wrong. I hope it will be intelligible later.
I have to go to sleep. Maybe I'll rock myself to sleep. I don't know.
I'm tired. This week has really worn me out. I don't really know why, but I've been getting symptoms again, and it got real bad last night. I can't even really remember what I did. For a while I was feeling frozen, almost comatose. Then I got manic about cleaning my room because I was feeling over-stimulated by the clutter. I felt like I was losing my mind. I needed to call lifeline, just to talk to someone. I knew that. I felt like I should be in the hospital. I felt overwhelmed. I couldn't manage to make the call, even though I knew I needed to. I was scared. I felt so out of control. I didn't know what my mind was doing.
It seems like it's a lot harder to think clearly when I'm in this state of mind. Sometimes it feels like it's just harder to think, period. Like the thinking part of my brain just plain shuts down.
Another rough night. I meant to do homework tonight, but I just started to get paniky and froze. I started acting weird. I was aware of what I was doing, but it seemed impossible to change it. Nervous habits I suppose. Tapping. Spinning in a circle. I just felt like I was going nuts. It must have been a kind of sensory overload again because I started feeling better after I pulled the blankets over my head and lay there in darkness and silence. I feel like I'm getting worse. I felt like I was behaving very autistic-like or almost scizophrenic-ish. I don't know. Part of me feels like I should be in the hospital.
This week turned out pretty good. I got to talk to Vicki about my concerns about obsessing over Asperger's. She's a good listener. Anyway, I told her I had an appointment with my doctor on Thursday and she told me to talk it over with him. I did, and he was the first person (well, besides Vicki) who took my concern seriously and was willing to discuss it so I didn't feel like I was crazy for thinking it was a possibility that I may have it. We decided there wasn't much reason to try to get a formal diagnosis, but he encouraged me to explore it more on my own. So I suppose I can view myself as an Aspie if I like, since it does feel like it fits. Now at least I won't feel so odd for thinking about Asperger's and myself (maybe perseverating about it). It was nice to talk to someone who actually understands what I'm talking about.
We're also trying raising the amount of Paxil I'm on to try to keep my anxiety under control.
Now if I could just get to be at a reasonable time...
Does it seem strange that, a lot of the time, the only "thoughts" really going through my mind are repeated recitations of lyrics from songs I've heard? I wonder if that is related to any of the other problems I've been having.
I feel so depressed right now. There are too many things going on, and I'm starting to get behind on my homework. I just don't seem to be able to manage my life. I feel like I'm going to start screwing things up again. When I do have time to do homework, I don't seem to do it. I start feeling frightened, paniky. I don't understand myself. I kind of feel like I don't belong.
I had an appointment with Peter today. I guess it went well. But I've been full of rage today. Just angry at everything. We talked some about the possibilities of supported living, and I've decided to wait until the show is over before I think anymore about it. But I just have such difficulty with managing my life. My thoughts are all jumbled up. This just hasn't been a good week. I think I kind of envy people in group homes and supportive living environments, maybe because they have the support I feel I need. Part of me also feels like I'm choosing to let myself fall down a downward spirl of feeling helpless. Sometimes I think of K., a patent at work, and I'm afraid I'm turning into her, believing that I can't do anything on my own. But maybe my expectations of myself are just too high. I don't really know what to believe; what the truth is. I'm just really, really confused.